Torture
by Raych
Summary: After immense physical and mental torture can Rachel's counsellor's new idea reach her and help her heal.
1. Meetings

_Okay peeps now I know this isn't my usual style since as a rule I love R/J but for this story Joey in the role of the male lead just wouldn't work. So for true R/Jshippers, R/Rshippers and M/Cshippers don't read._

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"Rachel our sessions are going great. I want you to do a combined session with one of my other patients, which I know is a little unorthodox but I think it would be good for both of you. I want this to be regular thing, but if after the first session either of you have a problem we can stop and just be one on one again, obviously you have the right to refuse, but I would really like it if you would consider it."

"What's she like?"

"Actually it's a he. Now I can't tell you anything about him, for obvious reasons, just as I couldn't tell him anything when he asked the same question about you."

"He agreed?"

"Yes he did."

"Well then I guess it would be rude if I didn't."

* * *

"Rachel Green, this is Chandler Bing." The two stared at each other before eventually he stood and offered his hand to her, unwittingly she flinched and then felt a flash of anger at herself for doing so. She thought she was learning to deal with this, obviously she was mistaken. Chandler had felt uncomfortable the second he stepped in the room, her reaction to his hand shake made him feel worse, he returned to his seat and stared at his shoes.

"I'm sorry." She stood and offered her well manicured hand to him. He took the offered hand and they shook.

"Now um how about you two tell each other a little bit about yourselves. Chandler?" he looked at the therapist and cleared his throat.

"I'm Chandler, um I work in advertising, junior, I only started fairly recently. Career change. I'm engaged to, Monica and we are, well she is frantically planning the wedding. My best friends are Ross Geller, Monica's brother." He noticed her start at the name and made a mental note to ask her about them later. "And Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives. I've been seeing Kath for about 6 months now."

"I'm Rachel Green, I'm in the process of getting a divorce, um I don't really have any friends, I guess Phoebe would now be classed as one, but that's all really I lost my friends when I got married." He heard the pain in her voice and he felt an ache inside him to comfort her. He had no clue why Kath had wanted them to have joint sessions but he assumed they shared a common link. "That's all really, I don't have a job, I don't have much in my life really."

"Can I ask you something?" She nodded hesitantly, not wanting to look him in the eye. "You seemed to recognise my friend's name." She looked up taken off guard by the question, she had prayed he hadn't noticed.

"I knew them in high school." Chandler nodded and wondered at the rest of the story.

"Well we can either stop now that you know each other or begin a little, brief telling of why you're here. Rachel?" she started to rock ever so slightly that Chandler only just noticed it, she had wrapped her arms tight around herself and fear invaded her blue eyes.

"Um I was married to my husband for 9 years. Um I should have left years ago, but I was stupid. At first all it was, was a kick or punch when he'd gone out after a bad day and got drunk. But he was always sorry after he'd woke up. Then it started being when he was sober too. He stopped being sorry, he stopped any pretence of love. But I was pregnant, and I had no where to go, so I stayed. One day he beat me so bad I lost the baby. And I just lost everything that day. I stopped caring. He began using drugs, around me, dealing to kids. And I just watched because I didn't have the strength to stop it. I didn't care. He invited his friends round one day, I was in the shower and they all came in the bathroom, they watched through the curtain. Disappeared before I got out. When I went into the living room, they were all shooting up and leering at me. They gone within half hour, no sense. He got them to pin me down." She lifted up the sleeve of her shirt and he saw the needle marks, he was disgusted that someone could do that to a person, to a person they had obviously declared love for. He could never imagine doing anything like that to Monica. "They left me then, on the floor, practically unconscious. But it got regular. Then it stopped, the drugs stopped, with me anyway. They'd found something better to do with me."

"Rachel I think now is a good place to take a break, have a drink and we'll come back and Chandler can tell a little bit about him okay?" Chandler stared horrified at the wreck of a woman in front of him. She stood and let herself be guided from the room by Kath.

* * *

She felt numb, disjointed from the world, she hated the person she'd become, the person he'd made her, the person she'd let him make her. She saw the look on that guy's face in there, knew he was thinking she was stupid not to have left, but he didn't know. He didn't know what it felt like to lose everything, and need to just lose yourself. While it had been happening she had found a new world, one that she frequently locked herself away in, a world where she had the perfect life. She had the most wonderful loving husband, she had her family and her friends…and most importantly she had her baby. It had been a little girl she'd called Emma, and she had looked exactly like her, she loved her little girl so much. She had sat rocking her for hours, or sometimes just watching her. The touch on her shoulder jolted Rachel from her thoughts and she wordlessly followed Kath back into the room, she didn't look at him, she felt too ashamed, so sure of what he was thinking.

"I thought I was gay, for years. Since I was about 12 and I started having these fantasies about this man who I didn't know doing all these things to me. I didn't tell anyone, especially my mother. She'd just have blamed my father and it would be another argument. I didn't date, men or women. I didn't tell anyone, I tried to have a normal life and ignore the fantasies, then one night about 2 years ago, Monica and I were a little drunk and we kissed. We woke up together the next morning, our friendship was shattered but as we looked at each other it didn't seem to matter. It didn't take long for us to realise how it felt and that we loved each other. But the fantasies, I still had them almost every night. I woke up covered in sweat, sometimes screaming in pleasure so many times she asked me. And I described the fantasies, she held me and she asked one very important question. 'Why was I always a little boy in them?' that's when I came here. And um the fantasies weren't what I thought, it wasn't until I listening to them properly I realised I wasn't gay and the screams of pleasure weren't screams of pleasure but of fear. I was sexually abused by a man I don't know, I can't remember." Rachel just wanted to hold the man in front of her, his whole life had been ruined by this unknown man, at least she still had memories of a happier time.

* * *

Rachel walked outside of the grey building took a deep breath of the New York air. She'd never known New York could ever be seedy, back when the only thing in her life was shoes, hair, make-up, good clothes and finding a doctor to marry.

"Rachel?" She half turned to see Chandler. She gave him her friendliest smile, though she knew it left a lot to be desired. "Would you like to come to this party my friend is having, I think we could both use a little harmless fun."

"I take it Monica will be there." He nodded. "I'd rather not."

"It won't be just her, lots of showbiz people too, it's for the cast of Days Of Our Lives."

"I really can't."

"Why not, did you not get on in high school cos that was a million years ago, everything has changed now."

"It's not that, we were friends kind of in high school, but I was a little different then, I'd prefer to stay hidden, if people have to know what I am now, I'd rather they didn't know me then. I'm too ashamed of what I've become." He nodded at her, seeming to be processing what she'd said.

"Come it'll be fun and bring your friend Phoebe. I'll say she's the one from counselling and I told her to invite a friend. We can pretend. Soap opera stars, hot men, Joey will hit on you. Just so you know."

"I guess a soap opera party would be fun and I suppose I should try and repay Phoebe for what she did. Sure, um just go to my place first." He smiled at her before hailing a cab. He opened the door and let her climb in first.

* * *

Rachel hesitantly followed Phoebe and Chandler onto the roof of his apartment block. The lights and the people almost frightened her, since Phoebe had saved her she hadn't really been round a lot of people, she left her apartment got into the cab and went inside Kath's office block, Phoebe did her shopping for her and any clothes she might need she ordered through catalogues Phoebe gave her. Phoebe turned slightly back to her and clasped her hand. She was the friend Rachel knew she needed right now. She saw her then, Monica Geller. Chandler placed one hand on her arm and kissed her cheek.

"Mon, honey, this is Phoebe Buffay. My counselling buddy, and her friend Rachel Green."

"Hi Monica."

"Hi, oh my god Rachel." Rachel gave a slight wave to her. Monica moved forward and hugged her, Rachel felt herself tense, she hadn't prepared herself for human contact, something she had to do otherwise she froze.

* * *

Rachel let herself into the apartment and flung her keys down on the side. She breathed a sigh of relief at being home. Away from the lights and the people. She knew her old self would have delighted in a rooftop soap opera party, loved that Joey Tribbiani of Days of Our Lives had been flirting with her. But then the old Rachel wasn't afraid of her own shadow. She had watched them together, Chandler and Monica. She hadn't seen her in years, she'd lost weight, looked amazing. Looked happy. They seemed so right together, both so in love. She had once thought that's what her life would be like, happy and full of love. She'd never imagined what he'd do to her. 


	2. Weddings

_A/N: Emma is what Rachel named the baby she lost. While she was being abused she was in a fantasy world where she had her baby. It was a girl who she named Emma._

_A/N2: Phoebe and Monica don't know each other, they met, obviously, at the soap opera party but other than that they don't know each other._

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"Rachel, I know you love me. You don't love him. Come away with me. We'll go to the city, we'll be together. I'll look after you, I'll never let anything hurt you. We can be together." Rachel stared at the man in front of her, then looked down to her wedding dress. This was the moment she dreamed of her entire life, she was about to marry a doctor. She was going to be Mrs Dr Barry Farber in less than half an hour, however in her wildest fantasies on her wedding day she never imagined her lover, even that she'd have a lover, would be stood before asking her to throw it all away and go to the city with him. In her heart she knew she loved him. He was her life. When he touched her she felt herself jump, ache, come alive. Her senses reeled just when he came into a room. But he was a handyman! He couldn't provide her with the life she had led thus far, with the life she knew she had always wanted. But how could she marry Barry, she'd never see Luke again after that, never feel his touch, his caress, the sound of his voice, the smell of him. Barry would give her everything she needed, no he'd give her everything she wanted, he could never give her what she needed, she needed this man before her by her side, she needed his love. The knock on the door startled her.

"Rachel come on darling. We're waiting." Her mother's voice. Her wedding was starting and her she was locked in the bathroom with her lover waiting outside begging her to run away with him through a window.

"Luke?"

"Yes?" She heard it in his voice then, the desperate need for her.

"Go start the car." She heard the sigh of relief.

"I love you Rachel." She smiled, this was right. She opened the window and began to squeeze her way through it.

* * *

"That was my wedding day. Was meant to be my wedding day. I married Luke 2 weeks after that. I wrote my parents, asked them to come. My letter came back, it had been read but on the envelope it said 'no longer at this address.' Strangely enough, had it been any other doctor that I was meant to marry, I probably would have. Luke was the handyman employed to work on the Farber's pool house. The second I saw him I was attracted to him. I can't remember how it happened, but I was forever sneaking away, meeting up with him. I fell in love with him. I thought he loved me, I was so sure. When I got married it was the happiest day of my life, so my parents weren't there, so I was social outcast and my friends had dumped me, I loved him. He was my world. I was so, young, idealistic. I believed in happily ever after."

"When did it start to go wrong?" Rachel seemed shocked by the voice, she had almost forgotten she wasn't alone. She looked up at Chandler. He was such a good listener – for a man. Her head told her that she was being unfair judging him by Luke's standard, but her heart warned her away from men.

"After about two months, I wasn't used to living on such little money, and Luke couldn't find a job. He started going out and drinking what money we had. I got a job in a bar. Horrible smell, horrible clientele, skimpy uniform. But it kept Luke in drink. Then he started hitting me. After a while it became regular, sober or drunk. I stopped trying to hide them. Only people I saw were at the bar, and Luke's friends. When I found out I was pregnant I was so happy." Tears were streaming down her face, Chandler wanted to comfort her, but knew he couldn't. To touch her now would be to scare her, he didn't want to cause more pain. "I thought he'd stop hitting me, I thought we'd be happy, I still loved him, even through it all I still loved him and this was our baby." Her hands went instinctively to her stomach, holding the child that would have long since left her womb, even had she not have had it taken, killed. "I knew it was dead, I tried to protect it, but just that one kick, and I knew he'd killed my baby. I just knew. I felt it die." Sobs wracked her body and she found herself wanting the same death she had then, when it happened. Even talking to Kath she'd skimmed over it. She'd never tapped into the pain of it. Chandler moved across and sat on the side of the chair, he wrapped his arms round the sobbing, broken woman, who turned into him and cried into his chest. Kath watched her two patients together and left the room. She knew that bringing them together was best, for both of them.

* * *

"Ross you're back!" Monica jumped up from the couch and ran to her brother, she pulled him into her arms. "Did you have a good time?" Emily appeared in the door moments later. "Emily hi, was it a good visit?"

"Oh yes, you don't realise how much you really love your family until you don't see them." Monica pulled her brother and sister-in-law to the couch, wanting to get all the details of their visit to London to see Emily's parents.

"Where's Chandler?" Monica looked down then across to her brother, she had wrestled with herself whether to tell him, but seeing him now with his wife of 5 years looking so happy, she knew it wouldn't matter.

"He's in therapy, while you were gone Kath has got him and another patient together because she thinks it will help them. This patient is called Phoebe, but her best friend is Rachel Green. They both came to Joey's party."

"Rachel Green…wow. How is she?"

"She doesn't look that great really." Emily watched her husband digest the information his sister had given him.

"Who's Rachel?" Monica looked at Ross, he was clearly in shock over the news though she had no idea why.

"She was my best friend in high school." Emily nodded, knowing there had to be more to it, she was about to ask when Ross spoke.

"Is she married?" Monica shook her head. "Ever been?" She shook her head again. "Rachel was, my world, she was the first girl I ever loved. And I loved her with my whole being. But she was always unobtainable." His voice sounded hoarse and for a split second Emily was worried about the seemingly imminent return of this woman into her husband's life, but then she cleared her head. What did she have to worry about, he had loved her true, but he had also loved since, his first wife Carol and now her. And she trusted him.

* * *

Rachel leant back in the slightly worn chair. Chandler had convinced her she had to leave her apartment, had told her of a place that was homely and served a good cup of coffee. So here she was, at Central Perk. He had promised he'd join her, so she was sat waiting, she took a sip from her giant bowl of coffee and tried to relax.

"Rachel?" She turned at the sound of a male voice, panic and fear filled every vein and she almost split her coffee.

"Ross Geller." She released a breath she hadn't realised she was holding. He sat opposite her.

"How are you? What have you been doing since high school?" Rachel tensed, what had she been doing? She didn't want to confront it herself let alone tell him.

"Ross it's been so long, how are you?" Ross smiled and relaxed into the seat, Rachel relaxed also, she recognised the way he was sat. The same as when they'd been in high school, he was preparing a speech. Attention had been deflected from her.

"Well I went to university as you know, where I met Carol, my first wife. She's a lesbian, can you believe it! We have a son though, Ben. He's 9 now, god that sounds so strange I can still remember the day he was born. Um I've been married 5 years now to Emily. She's British, in fact we've only just got back from a visit with her parents in London. Amazing city you should go, that's if you haven't already. I teach palaeontology at the university, in fact I've just been given a promotion. So how about you? No ring?" Rachel thanked god for at that very second Chandler walked in. he came over and hugged her, before he had even noticed Ross.

"Er hey man, how's it going?" Ross' face was full of suspicion and Chandler cursed himself for not looking who was in the place before hugging Rachel. It they knew she was the one he was in counselling with it was easily explained, but not now, not with the supposed little relationship between them. Friend of a friend at most. Damn!


	3. Return

The phone rang interrupting their slow dance. Longing for his fiancée filling his every vein he managed to pull himself away, ignoring her protests and answer the phone. He almost hung up, having no answer given to his greeting, but he didn't, not when the broken voice finally said something.

"He was here." The words resounded through his head, the distant, scared and yet familiar voice. The full on sobs reaching down the phone line.

"It'll be ok. I'll be there in 5 minutes, don't worry." He hung up and turned to face Monica. She looked less than pleased.

"5 Minutes?"

"It's an emergency, I wouldn't go otherwise you know that."

"Chandler it's our anniversary and we haven't seen each other properly in months." He took the angry form into his arms.

"Monica I am so sorry. But I have to go." He kissed her on the tip of her nose before fleeing their apartment. Monica flopped onto the sofa, she was not happy. She felt as though she was losing him. She shook her head to clear the insane thoughts away. Ever since the counselling sessions with that Phoebe girl had begun 4 months ago he felt less hers and more like he belonged to someone else, someone who gave her the crumbs of his time.

* * *

Chandler jumped from the cab, throwing enough money for the fare and a tip, the driver deserved one for putting up with his frantic shouts of faster. He ran into the building and up the stairs, knowing the lift would be broken. He was about to bang on the door when he realised how frightened she'd be by it. He tried the door, it was still open. He poked his head round the door and scoped the room out. He opened the door wider and stepped in.

"Rach, it's me Chandler." He looked round the place, he found her in a corner, sobbing her heart out and curled in on herself. He placed a gentle hand on her arm. She looked up at him with huge soulful eyes. He held out a hand to her and she placed hers softly into his. He didn't bothered questioning her. Just led her into the bedroom. He sat her on her bed and she watched his movements. He opened the closet and grabbed an overnight bag from it. He stuffed some clothes into it and didn't even bat an eyelid while sorting through her underwear drawer and taking what he knew she'd need. He grabbed the bag in one hand and wrapped his free arm round her shoulders. His hand gripping her arm and keeping her up. He slammed the apartment door behind them and led her through the apartment block to the street below. All this was done wordlessly, all the while she cried. He ignored the stares of people as he hailed a cab. They sat in the cab, he held her to him. The cab stopped and he led her inside. She didn't protest against Monica seeing her like she was. He opened the door to the apartment. Monica's voice greeted him before she did.

"Chandler what the hell is goi…Rachel?" Chandler led her into the spare room and sat her on the bed. He flung the bag down. Monica had followed them and he turned to her.

"Can you get her a glass of water please?" She stared at him for a second before disappearing. He unzipped the small compartment of the bag and took out the small box. He popped two of the small pills from it and placed them in her hand just as Monica returned with the water. She handed it to him and he held it while Rachel placed the pills in her mouth. He gave her the glass and she took it, taking a sip and swallowing the sleeping tablets. "It's gonna be okay Rach. I swear I won't let anything happen to you." She lay back on the bed and he sat beside her. He softly stroked her hair for a few minutes before the extra strong prescription pills took hold and brought her to a disturbed sleep. He left her then and joined Monica in the lounge. She was sat in the middle of the sofa, he took a seat in his barcalounger.

"Phoebe and Rachel are friends, we lied to you. Phoebe isn't the one I'm in counselling with, Rachel is. She's not happy like you were led to believe, I can't tell you what's happened to her because it's not my story to tell. But she has to stay here, she can't go back to that place, not yet. Not until…" he let the sentence fade off, not knowing how to finish it. When Rachel would be ready to go back there. When that man was gone from her life for good? Or ever?

"Why can't she go to her parents?"

"They haven't spoken in years, but that's all I can tell you."

"Chandler she's staying in our spare room I deserve to know."

"Maybe you do but I can't tell you. I wouldn't want her to tell anyone about why I'm there I'll give her the same respect." He stood and walked back into the room to watch over her, wanting to be there for her when she woke. Monica watched him go her head reeling with the new information. She had hated a perfectly innocent person for taking her fiancé. She should have been hating her old best friend, but then could she when whatever had put her in counselling had her needing Chandler more than she herself did right now. But did she? And why her fiancé why not some single guy, like Joey?

* * *

She was laid in the bed staring up at the ceiling, he wasn't here. She kept telling herself that but it just didn't seem right, even after all this time of it being like this. He was only in the next room but to her it seemed like a world away. She looked at the digital display, 2am. She heard noises in the kitchen and got up. She stood in the doorway watching as he drank the glass of water he'd poured himself. She watched the movements of his tired body and she ached to be in his arms.

"Thinking of me?"

"Of Rachel." She swallowed and paused for a second.

"Do you think that's strange, it's still kinda our anniversary and you're thinking of another woman?"

"I'm thinking of my friend, who needs me." She sighed and moved further into the room.

"When do we get to be us Chandler?"

"Monica I don't have time for this right now." He started to walk back to the room.

"I know Chandler you don't have time for this, you don't have time for me." He paused. "and because of it, our marriage is gonna be over before it even has time to start." He turned to her then. She hadn't said it in anger, her voice had barely been above a whisper. He saw the tears in her eyes. He walked to her and sat beside her.

"I can't turn away from her Monica, she needs me."

"Chandler…"

"No Monica, we were brought together for a reason, Kath wanted me to help her, because through all my crap I had you to love me and I had my friends to support me and be there and help me. She has no one Monica."

"Yes but she does doesn't she Chandler, she has her friend Phoebe to support her and help her and she has you to love her." He looked at her.

"Chandler I feel like you're moving a million miles away. Even when you distanced yourself from me, it wasn't as far as this."

"Monica how can you resent me giving this to her?"

"Because it's ruining us."

"No it's not, you are! She is my friend and she needs me."

"So you choose her?"

"I didn't know I had to choose."

"And if you did?" The tears were slowly cascading down her face and though he hated himself for making her cry he knew he couldn't leave Rachel now, the little progress they had made had obviously been undone by whatever had happened to her that night.

"If you had to choose between Ross and I what would you do? In essence it's the same. If Ross needed you, you'd be out that door faster than my eyes could move. That is what I'm doing for her."

"You're sacrificing us to go on soul saving mission."

"Monica why can't you see how unreasonable you're being? You used to be friends."

"Yeah and even then she always had what I wanted. Now I've had what I want and she's taking it away."

"The only one pushing me away is you. Monica I proposed to you because I love and I want to marry you, right now we might not be spending all that much time together, but that hasn't changed. We're still gonna get married and we're still gonna have kids and we're still gonna grow old together." She sighed, she had never seen him so committed to something before, never known him to stand his ground for so long against her, she resigned herself to the fact that Rachel Greene was going to be in her life for the foreseeable future.

"You better get back, in case she wakes." He pressed a light kiss to her cheek and disappeared. She wanted to be understanding, she hated hating that poor girl who had suffered such obvious trauma, but then she reasoned hadn't Rachel Greene always dramatised everything!

* * *

Rachel slowly cracked open her eyes, confused by her surroundings, sensing something wrong but she didn't know what. She turned slightly and felt the sun on her face, she felt almost peaceful. She saw him then, asleep in the chair, exhausted for some reason, she knew she should know what, but she didn't. seconds later she did, she wished she could return to that happy place she had been in, where she didn't understand what was happening. Her movement woke the sleeping figure who rubbed at blurry sleep filled eyes as he sat up.

"Are you okay?" she swallowed and nodded. "You wanna tell me what happened?" She looked down at her covered legs and wondered not for the first time why Kath had thought she'd be of use to him, she felt like she was draining him of his energy, his healing power and strength, and what was worse was she didn't think it was even helping her.

"I got home from work and he was waiting in there for me. Kinda pissed, after all I shopped him, he's spent 2 years in prison. He didn't touch me, not really. I thought he was gonna kill me. He just ranted and raved and threw stuff and broke stuff. He went through my things. He just scared me."


	4. Gay Fantasies

_A/N: This chapter takes a dark turn. Chandler begins telling of his dark childhood, the abuse he was put through, not recommended for younger readers.  
  
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"Hi." Rachel stood hesitantly in the doorway, it was the first time she had ventured from the room since being brought to Monica and Chandler's apartment almost a week ago. Chandler had done everything possible for her, literally. If it hadn't been for needing the toilet she would have laid in that bed. But Chandler was at work now and she knew it was only far she face Monica. She knew Chandler would never have told her anything, he respected her privacy too much to tell Monica why she was in counselling. Monica looked up. She was there, her once best friend, the person she had once loved and envied, hated all at the same time. She drew in a breath and gestured for Rachel to take a seat. Monica wasn't surprised that she chose Chandler's barcalounger.

"Hi Rachel."

"Monica I'm sorry, I should never have called Chandler, it was only days after when my mind could actually focus on something else that I realised it was your anniversary. I'm so sorry, I should have called. Phoebe's upstate, staying with her half brother, Frank Jr. Chandler's the only other person I know, except for Kath and it was well outside office hours. You must hate me."

"I always did." Rachel looked up with a start. "I hated you because you had everything I didn't. So tell me what changed."

"I fell in love. With a poor, abusive, violent, lying handyman. On my wedding day he asked me to run away with him, and I did because I loved him. It was only after when money was tight and jobs were none, yet drunk a plenty that he began to beat me. It didn't stop, after a while, even when he was sober. Nor did it stop when I got pregnant. My baby died inside of me because of him, because of what he did to me. He and his drunken friends turned to drugs. Started holding me down and injecting me, and I didn't have the strength to fight. They did worse things, other things. But then Phoebe found me, it's a long story. He got sent to prison, but I never testified. At least, not to everything. I never mentioned the drugs, or my baby. I never told of the rape, just the physical abuse, just the beatings. That's why I called Chandler that night, he'd got out and he was waiting for me."

"Why didn't you tell them everything?"

"Because at the time, it didn't all register I guess my mind had taught itself to numb, block out the badness. Live only in the good place. And partly, the tiniest part of me could remember how much I loved him. He looked at me, when they arrested him. He shouted at me as they dragged him away, that he was sorry and he loved me. It touched a nerve inside of me and I couldn't tell them everything, he would have been in prison for so long. I couldn't."

"I'm sorry. I can't imagine what it is to be able to carry a baby, then to have it taken. I can't be a mother but it's all I want. Without Chandler, I never would have survived that time in my life. I'll never like the commitment he's made to you, but maybe I can try to understand it." She stood then, with all the dignity she could gather and left. Rachel stared at the closed door long after Monica had left the apartment. She remembered the girls they had been, the secrets they'd shared, the dreams they had, she wondered where they'd gone. Those two best friends who knew that only good things awaited them.

* * *

"When I was 12, I had this dream, at the time I didn't notice the age I was, it wasn't far off the age I was, so it didn't really matter. In the dream I was about 7 or 8. I was in my bed, this man comes in my room. He smiles at me. He sits next to me on my bed. He's naked. His penis is fully erect, he strokes the side of my face, his hands are so soft, as he pushes himself into my mouth. He grabs my sides and moves me, so that he's laid back and I'm there with his throbbing erection in my mouth. He's telling me to take more, suck harder, telling me to use my tongue and his hands are on the back of my head, pushing it down, I'm almost gagging, taking almost the full length of him into my mouth. He grabs my pillow with one hand, forever pushing my head down with the other. He places the pillow over his face and he screams. He makes me swallow it, even though I know I'm going to be sick, he makes me. Then he strokes my body, he grabs my testicles in his hand, he kisses them both and then he leaves." Rachel feels almost sick at the thought of a small child being forced to do that. She looks at her friend, he seems as though he's left them, his mouth is moving and the memories are coming out, but his mind, his mind is somewhere else. Somewhere she prays is a place of salvation from the agony of his childhood. "Another time he comes in, I'm asleep. But I feel something on my back. I turn my head and he's there, behind me. He enters me and it hurts so much, he's so big and my body is so small, it can't take him, it feels like he's tearing me in two. And I scream, he hits me. He covers my mouth and he comes into me. I can feel the blood and the semen pouring from me, and I cry. He doesn't leave, he stays. He pulls my now almost naked body to his own. He lets his spiny fingers run up and down my body. He nibbles my ear. He touches me, he touches my penis…under his hands, his almost masterful touch, I seem to come alive. He pumps me, harder and harder, he whispers things in my ear, tells me I'm dirty. That no one will love me like he loves me. That I need him more than he needs me. That he's only there because he knows of my need. My need to be cleaned, my need to be taught. He licks it up when I cum, and he stays there, for what seems like hours just touching me, then he leaves. There's others, like that, things he does to me, things he says, things he makes me do. But I won't disgust you any longer." Rachel placed her hand on his.

"Chandler I'm not disgusted, he is disgusting but you're not. Chandler you are amazing, you don't need to be ashamed. I'm here for you, we're here for each other. That's point."

"I dreamt for years. Always thinking that my screams were pleasure. That everything he did I loved. That in my dreams was the only place I could be me. I couldn't handle it. I began to sneak drink from my mom's liquor cabinet. I spent nearly all of my time half cut. When I was 14 I began smoking, and that was the only time I felt right, when I had a cigarette in my hand I was a fag, I was just toking on one. But never, never was I attracted to one of the guys at school, but because I knew I was gay, I wasn't attracted to the girls either, cos it was against the rules."

* * *

The pair stepped from the building they both now found to be oppressive, the very air inside it stifling.

"Rach…" Rachel flipped her hair from her eyes and looked at him. "Monica doesn't know the details, only the bare facts none of them know the details, I'd prefer it stayed that way."

"You know anything said in there, isn't repeated to anyone who isn't in our club." He stopped for a second and she stopped moments later and turned back to him.

"I think you're my best friend." Rachel looked thoughtful for a moment.

"You're a close second, well maybe third, no wait fourth, actually fifth." She smiled at him and he was pleased to see her joking around, it made his heart feel just that little lighter to know he'd been part of what was making her better. He moved the extra steps so he was by her side and slung his arm casually about her shoulders.

"So your fifth best friend is asking his best friend if she wants to go find the nearest bar and getting steaming drunk." Rachel raised an eyebrow. She grinned.

"What the hell!"

* * *

It was almost midnight when the two made their drunken way up the stairs to Monica and Chandler's apartment, they were both trying to whisper but in their drunken state not making a good job of it. Rachel seemed to find everything funny and couldn't stop giggling, while Chandler tried to quiet her before finding her unstoppable giggling so immensely funny he joined her. He fumbled with his keys before flinging the door loudly open. The first thing that greeted them was the table, so carefully and thoughtfully laid, the three place settings, the three meals now stone cold sitting there. From the darkness a figure moved towards them.

"I thought that since the two of you were at your session you'd be having a fairly bad day, so I decided that I'd cook a really nice meal for us all. You don't call to tell me where you are, how it went and you show up over 7 hours late from your appointment and you're drunk! There's no point in even asking where you've been! And you've been smoking Chandler!"

"Monitha…"

"Don't." Monica grabbed Rachel's arm and half dragged her to what she supposed had possibly become Rachel's own room. She dumped her on the bed, took her shoes off and left the room, coming back only moments later with a bucket. "If you're going to be sick use the bucket!" Monica went back to the kitchen and pulled Chandler to the couch. She placed another bucket beside him. "Mess anything up with your sick and you will clean it or replace it, got it!" Chandler mumbled something unintelligible before she stormed into their bedroom.

_not sure toking is spelt right but I basically meant taking a drag of the cigarette._


	5. Dinner, Jealousy and Departures

"We're having people over for dinner tonight." Rachel nodded.

"I understand what time do you want me gone by?" Monica wrestled with her conscience it would be so easy to tell her a time and have her leave.

"I meant would you like to come? It's nothing big, just a couple of friends and Ross and Emily." Rachel was touched by the reach of friendship Monica had showed.

"I'd like that."

"They'll be here about 7." Rachel nodded and Monica left.

* * *

"I'm glad you think can manage this." Rachel smiled a placed her hand softly over Chandler's. The door knocked and Monica opened it, letting two people in. Rachel followed Chandler's example and stood moving into the kitchen. Chandler greeted his guests warmly, first his brother-in-law to be and then his wife.

"Rachel." Rachel smiled at Ross. "It's good to see you."

"It's nice to be invited too."

"So you're Rachel." Emily had moved to stand beside her husband, not caring for the look on his face. Rachel was saved by the knock at the door, distracting everyone. She recognised the man to enter and smiled at him in greeting.

"Hey guys. I brought…" He held up a bottle of wine and a 6 pack. Monica took them both away from him and Chandler moved the group into the lounge. Monica stayed in the kitchen busying herself with the meal that she refused any help for. Rachel felt somewhat awkward and knew that her presence was making the others feel that way too. Ross had seated himself on the sofa and Emily snuggled against him, almost possessively Rachel thought. Joey had sat beside them and Chandler gestured for Rachel to use his barcalounger. She smiled her thanks at him and sat. He perched on the arm of the chair. "So when do we eat?"

"God Joe is that all you think about." The three friends slipped into an easy banter from that and Rachel was thankful to Joey for breaking the silence that had held them, however she wished either she or Emily were involved as she knew that from the way Emily twisted she intended to talk to Rachel.

"So you knew Ross and Monica in high school."

"Yes, I was good friends with Monica."

"How come you lost touch?"

"She came to the city I didn't. I lost touch with everyone when I got married."

"Oh, it's sad when a marriage consumes you like that." Rachel nodded not wanting Emily to try and delve further into her marriage, nor did she want to hear about hers and Ross'. Chandler jumped up at the knock at the door and opened it wider for the guest. Rachel didn't take much notice of the new addition, not knowing who he was but assuming he had more connection with Monica than Chandler. Dinner was served and the group sat, Rachel finding herself opposite the stranger and between Monica and Emily. A place she found herself desperately wishing she could move from. Conversation didn't flow easily and Rachel found herself thoughtfully chewing her food rather than joining in.

"Rachel you remember Will from high school right?" Rachel looked up startled that someone had spoken directly to her.

"Um no Monica I don't." She turned to Will. "Sorry, high school just seems like light-years ago." Her voice was soft and full of regret. Will made a strange noise causing all occupants from the table to look at him.

"Sorry it's just that of course Queen Rachel wouldn't remember me. I was just Monica's fat friend who she picked on all through high school." Bitterness and anger tinged his voice and Chandler quickly tried to cover over the conversation and yet not managing. "If fact Rachel was such a bitch in high school there was a club about it."

"A club?" Her voice wavered and Chandler desperately wanted her to be next to him so he could give her strength.

"Yeah the We Hate Rachel Green Club. Me and Ross founded it." Rachel's eyebrows went up and she looked at Ross. Her eyes weren't the only ones that turned to him.

"Actually though it was more the We Love Rachel Green Club because of the fact that I was hopelessly in love with you but didn't have a chance." Pain shot her eyes and Chandler wanted to hit the man sat beside him.

"Except it was the We Hate Rachel Green Club. We started a rumour too." Will sniggered.

"You started that rumour!" Monica looked shocked.

"What rumour?"

"That you were born with both male and female reproductive parents and your parents flipped a coin and decided to raise you as a girl."

"Will…"

"You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island! My whole school knew about you."

"Joey!" Chandler kicked him under the table causing him to stop talking and rub his shin.

"You were the ones who did that to me…" Rachel stood tears glistening in her eyes.

"Oh Queen Rachel turns on the waterworks just like in high school when things weren't going her way." Will's voice was full of venom as he spat out his hate. Rachel took a breath.

"Will I am sorry I teased you, in high school I never knew that bullying came in so many different forms and most of them more hurtful than physical violence could ever be, more damaging."

"Oh yeah sorry, right."

"I am sorry, whether you believe me or not but you have no right to lay judgement on me now for what I did then. I am nothing like the girl you knew so don't think you know me…you don't have a clue." Tears streaming down her face now she fled from the apartment. Chandler looked from the group to the now closed door. He shot from his seat and after her.

"Chandler!" Monica slammed her fist on the table as the door shut behind her fiancé.

* * *

Chandler opened the door to the apartment feeling weary and scared for Rachel. He hadn't been able to find her and worry filled his veins. His breath.

"So you're back then." A voice came to him from the darkness and his flicked the light on. Monica stood and faced her fiancé. "You shouldn't have left, we had guests." He began to shake his head.

"No Monica why? If you knew that Rachel had done that, that he still was so bitter why invite them both? Did you not realise what it would do, the harm you'd cause. Will and Emily, do you hate her that much?" he went into the bedroom and she followed. He yanked open the wardrobe and threw some stuff into the bag he grabbed from it.

"What are you doing?" Panic shot her voice and she hated the desperate sound of it.

"I'm going to stay at Joey's for a couple of nights. I need to re-evaluate some stuff. Monica since Rachel came into our lives you've shown a side I didn't know was there. I can't help but wonder what else you're hiding from me."

"Nothing, Chandler I'm the same as always. I guess deep down I'm just jealous."

"You're jealous of Rachel. You know a fraction of what she's been through and you're jealous of that."

"Not of that of the time and attention she gets from you. We're drifting apart and you're so close." Chandler shook his head in disbelief.

"You have no idea how pathetic that sounds. You're jealous of a woman who came so close to letting people use, abuse and maybe kill her because she lost everything, you're jealous because she needs me and I'm giving her time and trying to help her build her life back because I know what it's like to hit rock bottom and I know what it's like to be raped. You're jealous of that!"


	6. Reunited

"Chandler maybe you should just try and fix your own life. You've been searching for her for 4 days now and nothing. Why don't you go and talk to Monica?"

"You really think she deserves that. After what she did." Joey shook his head at the misery his best friend was in.

"I'm just saying think about it. You're risking your whole life for this woman you've known a few months."

"It's not about how long I've known her. She needs a friend, I need her friendship. In the short time we've known each other she's done more for me than anyone when it comes to…she understands it. She can relate to what it feels like, and I can tell her."

"You can tell us man, you always told Monica everything."

"Not like I can tell her because she gets it in a way you guys can't. I can tell her the worst details of it and she isn't disgusted, she'll hold me cos I'm crying and shaking with the fear and self loathing that remembering brings." Joey sighed.

"So we go find her." Chandler looked up at his best friend, he felt moved by the gesture, however hopeless it was starting to look.

* * *

The curtains were flung open and a tray given to her by the maid.

"Your mother will be with you shortly." The maid disappeared almost as soundlessly as she had appeared. She'd been in this old Long Island house for the best part of a week now. She hadn't as yet seen her sisters, her father or any of her old friends, though her mother had informed her of Barry and Mindy's wedding. And of both their infidelities. The door opened.

"How are you feeling dear?" Rachel wanted to laugh, her mother had asked the same question every morning since she'd arrived. Like she had merely been suffering from an illness and would soon be the same as always. How she wished it were true.

"I'm okay." Her mother placed herself delicately on the bed beside her. When she'd walked out on the dinner party she'd realised she had absolutely no where to go. So she took a chance and came to her childhood home. She found her mother, alone. After almost being told to leave without a backward glance before finally persuading her mother to listen. She'd skimmed over a lot of the details, though had cleverly mentioned the phrase she knew would get to her mother…you were right. She told her about the beatings, about the baby but had managed to leave the rest out. She convinced herself it was best for both their sakes. Her mother had accepted her back, treating her like an invalid but still…her head was reeling from all the gossip. The worst news of all had been hearing her parents had divorced. She had of course blamed herself. Her mother had insisted it was the right thing for them to do. That all those years ago she hadn't run away from her wedding…she'd married the man who would provide for her. Though her mother had surmised that if she had indeed have had a man herself to beg for her to run away her life may well have turned out worse…like her daughter's. her father had been contacted she knew, but he'd not come to see her, nor given a message for her. For that she was truly sad. Only now she was back where she grew up, surrounded by the life that had once been hers did she realise how she truly missed her parents, especially her father. She remembered the good times they'd had, how he'd always said she was his favourite, given her everything, the world if she'd asked just to make her happy.

"Your father said he'd be coming today, he phoned earlier while you were still asleep. I won't be in but the maids will be here. I'm going shopping in the city with the girls." She nodded along and pretended to listen while her mother rambled on about the girls.

* * *

Rachel was sat on the sundeck drinking an orange juice when her father came. She saw him come through the house and stand in the doorway. She moved the chair back from the table and stood. Neither moved after that, until he opened his arms wide to her and she ran into them. she clung to him as he stroked her hair, she whispered her apologies and didn't hear him say it was okay.

"Daddy I was so stupid."

"Baby…it's not your fault. We should have been there for you. I was just…you left me. My little girl left me, what I wanted for you was to be safe and protected. That's all and you just rejected it. I was hurt that you could do something like that, and what hurt more was that you never breathed a word of any of it to me before you sent us that letter." Rachel pulled away from her father, noticing for the first time the grey hairs and the wrinkled features. She felt to blame for the strain he had suffered. She should have come to them earlier, when he started to beat her…when she lost the baby. She should never have sunk as low as that when really had she just come home and explained her mistake, they would have forgiven her. Tears fell from her eyes and he pulled her back into his arms, and she smiled. She didn't know how long they stood together like that, how long it was that they sat opposite each other silently before the maid came.

"Excuse me Miss Rachel, there's a man at the door asking for you." Her father felt her body tense. "Mr Bing."

"Chandler…show him through." She disappeared and Rachel turned back to her father. She stood when Chandler came and her sense reeled as her bundled her into his arms and crushed her to him.

"God I've been so worried about you. I couldn't find you anywhere, Phoebe had no ideas. This was a last resort, thank god…" he trailed off but all 3 knew what he had on his mind. He let her go finally and she moved back.

"Daddy, this is Chandler Bing. Chandler this is my father." The men shook hands, though her father eyed him warily. "Daddy Chandler is a friend of Ross and Monica Geller. I met him in counselling. He's been so wonderful these past few months, when Luke got out and came to the apartment, Chandler took me back to his and Monica's he's really looked after me. I don't know where I'd be without him."

"Looked after her have you?"

"Yes sir, I know what it's like to…to be so lost. My friends though they could never understand, were wonderful to have their loving support when I went through the worst time in my life. I only wanted Rachel to have that help."

"I only wish that I could have provided it. Thank you, I'm glad someone was looking after her." Chandler nodded at the man.

* * *

"Chandler I think you need to talk to Monica, especially as Rachel is now back with her family. People who love her and can help her through, like Monica did with you. It's important you don't lose that." Chandler jumped to his feet and glared down at Kath.

"But you heard what she did, what she said!"

"Yes Chandler I did, and it makes me sad because for her to feel like that there has to have been instances in her past which have been hidden deep in her subconscious, times when someone has given her up or ignored her for someone else and this is having a profound effect on her. You love her?"

"I love the person I thought she was."

"Chandler she still is that person, she's still the same person she was in high school."

"Rachel's right, from what you've said I'm sure Monica is the same, this is just something you need to deal with, she's insecure. You walking out on her is not helping the situation."

"But Rachel…"

"Chandler I'll always be your friend, we'll always be close but you and Monica are engaged, you love each other. She's been your rock, you can't just throw it away. Talk to her, make her understand that although you spend time with me it's her you still want to marry. Chandler stop running from it, show her that you're committed still, set a date for the wedding." Rachel looked up at him and implored him with her eyes.

* * *

"Chandler." Monica's voice was filled with shock and what he thought could be a tinge of joy at seeing him on their doorstep. She wordlessly opened the door and closed it after him. They moved silently to the lounge and sat.

"It's not as easy as saying sorry Monica, what you did…I'm sorry if I somehow forced you to it in my treatment of you. But she's my friend, we have a bond that luckily you can never share in because it's one of such pain and…I don't want you to touch that, to be tainted with it. So I do have part of my life separate from you but please understand why. I do love you, I'm sorry if you felt threatened but I can't make that go away and I won't give up my friendship with Rachel."

"Chandler you spend so much time with her and when we're together it feels like you want to be somewhere else, like you're not invested in us anymore."

"I am Monica, I know I've been running but it stops now. Let's set a date for the wedding." Monica gasped, she'd been chasing him for it for months, when he'd proposed she had thought her life couldn't be more perfect, when they'd found out she couldn't have children she'd been devastated, had blamed that for Chandler not wanting to set a date, then blamed Rachel for it, but maybe it was her fault. Not that it mattered now, he was ready to commit, but was that only so he could keep his friendship? Did it matter?

_Okay next chapter will have more from Rachel and __Chandler__'s pasts._


	7. Three's A Crowd

"Mommy!" Emma ran to her and Rachel swung her beautiful daughter into her arms.

"Hey sweetie, have a good day at school?" She nodded enthusiastically and wriggled in Rachel's arms until placed on the ground again. She rummaged through her bag for a few seconds before grabbing something and hiding it from Rachel's view.

"I made you something." She smiled bashfully and handed the hidden object to Rachel. Rachel stood straight and looked at it, tears welled in her eyes.

"Oh Emma it's beautiful!" She smiled at her daughter and kissed her all the while managed to keep her gaze on the card Emma had made for her birthday.

"I told Miss Matthews it was your birthday and she let me make you a card."

"Oh honey you're so sweet."

"I could tell a million moments like that. Times with my little girl, except they weren't real, but to me there were. I survived after he killed her, I ate and drank and washed and dressed, but that was it. I never left the apartment, at least not in reality. But in my world I did. I took my daughter to the park and played on the swings with her. Everyone commented on how sunny natured she was, how beautiful. But it wasn't real. My baby was dead and it wasn't real." Rachel stopped talking as sobs shook her body and tears slipped silently down her face. She'd long ago learned how to cry silently, before she had he'd beaten her for making noise. She'd had to learn. Chandler held her as she cried and he smoothed her hair back until she was ready to continue.

"From what Phoebe has said and what little I can remember of reality during that time I was like that for almost 6 years. It was all I had, and by living like that not letting reality in, the kicks and the punches and the injections didn't hurt, they were what wasn't real. Because what was real was my beautiful child and my loving husband and my supportive family. My parents met with me one day shopping in the city and they saw how happy I was and how lovely my daughter was and they forgave me. I had everything I'd ever wanted, and more because I never knew that I wanted love, that I wanted to love. And when they raped me, it wasn't real. Not in my world. I guess as bad as I am now, if I had been fully aware of reality then I'd have cracked up, loony bin material. The world I created with Emma saved me in a way. Phoebe was so brave saving me. In her place I wouldn't have taken them on. One day they'd finished with me, injected me and then themselves, but they'd left the door open. I just went, reality or otherwise I just wasn't there, they'd pumped me so full of the stuff. Phoebe was just coming home and she saw me. She got into her place. I don't remember anything else, just coming round. This strange woman was there and I was in a strange place. She bathed my brow gave me a drink and sent me back to sleep. I was better when I woke again. Had a drink and something to eat. Then she told me what had happened after she found me. Took me in settled me and went up there."

Rachel smiled at the memory and Chandler smiled with her, glad to see she still could. "she waited a while, til she knew the buzz would have gone then she went up bawled them all out. God bless her and I don't even believe in God. Phoebe was my saviour. She took care of me for a few days. Then talked me into going to the police. The bruises and cuts were enough. I never mentioned the rape or the drugs. I was spending all of my time in reality and I hated it. I suppressed my feelings and dealt with healing my body. Because while I'd been off with Emma, my body had become dependent on the drugs they gave me. Phoebe helped me get off them, how she put up with me I'll never know. Over the months that I lived with her, trusted her I told her more and more of what happened. She went mad with me for not telling the police everything. But it was too late. I told her about Emma. She drove us out of town. There's this playground. Huge field, right in the corner is a home-made gravestone. She did a funeral for Emma. We've been together and alone. Sometimes I think Phoebe feels the loss like she knew her. Which in a way she did, because all of my time in the Emma's world I told Phoebe about. She grew to love her like I did. But the scars of my life were too much to just deal with by talking to a friend so I came here. I never found out what Phoebe meant when she said she went up and bawled them out, but knowing Phoebe. Her life and past I don't think she would have been scared of them, she would have spoke her mind."

* * *

"Erm hi, you probably don't remember me or have a clue who I am but…"

"You're Rachel."

"Oh good you do know who I am, so I'm not some crazy person coming up to you."

"I get my share, you're not the type." Rachel smiled.

"I just wanted to know if Chandler was okay, it's just he hasn't been to session for like 3 weeks and Kath doesn't know why and his cell is switched off all the time, I mean if he doesn't wanna see me that's fine but I was just a little worried."

"You don't know, Chandler's driven to Vegas with Monica."

"They're getting married?" Joey laughed a little.

"God no Monica wants the whole big white wedding thing." He became serious in an instant and panic shot through Rachel's veins. "His father had a heart attack, they went straight there, though I'm surprised he hasn't been in touch."

"Oh my god, well he's had more important things to think about. When he calls just let him I'm thinking of him please."

"Sure thing, hey if you're not rushing off anywhere you wanna stay and have a cup of coffee with me?" She visibly jumped with shock, but that soon wore off.

"That'd be nice, thanks." She smiled gratefully and sat beside him. "You know a few years back, well maybe a couple more than a few, I would have been one of those crazy ass groupies screaming and shouting cos I was meeting Joey Tribbiani soap star." He looked down and smiled before looking back up at her.

"What changed?" She sighed.

"Everything, I guess that's why Monica hates me, cos she doesn't think I've changed."

"How come, from what Ross has said you guys were actually friends in high school."

"We were, Monica had just become thin, suddenly guys wanted to date her. So it's the final dance of our high school lives, Monica has a date with this really nice guy, nice in both ways. My date, Chip Matthews, I caught him kissing Amy Welch. So what did I do I went and found the guy Chip hated most and I kissed him so everyone saw, unfortunately the guy Chip hated the most was Monica's date. We never spoke again after that night, well except for when she saw me and called me a whore, said I deserved everything I got. I deserved what she said she was my best friend and I hurt her very badly."

"Yeah but that was a long time ago, surely she can't still hate you for that considering she's engaged and very much in love."

Yeah but it just so happens that lately the guy she's engaged to, the guy she loves very much is spending a hell of a lot of time with me."

"This probably doesn't count for much but you're not the person you were then. And it's possible that Monica does have something to be jealous of."

"What!" Joey grabbed her to prevent her from slapping him.

"I mean that Chandler does seem very attached to you. I don't mean that you want it or engineered it but that's what I see. He's my best friend and what I see in him for you is more than just counselling buddies or friendship."

* * *

"Hey man how you doing?"

"Okay Joe. I'm just calling to say we're coming home tomorrow."

"Okay when you get here you might wanna call Rachel, she was in the coffee house this morning looking for you she was worried cos you hadn't been to session."

"I told Monica to call her and tell her."

"Well she said she knew nothing of it and neither did Kath." Chandler exhaled noisily and Joey felt guilty for telling him something else that would add more strain to him.

"Thanks Joe I'll see ya tomorrow." Chandler hung up and went into the other room. He stood in the doorway watching his fiancée flick through the TV channels. "Did you call Rachel or Kath like I asked?" he heard the hesitation in her voice.

"You know I did sweetie, you asked me to."

"Then why was Rachel in the coffee house today looking for me concerned about why I hadn't been to session recently." Monica looked round at him.

"I left a message on the machine she must not have got it."

"You're lying."

"Chandler!"

"Don't lie Monica, Rachel doesn't have a machine."

"Okay I didn't call."

"Why?"

"Because it's not her business. She's not part of our lives."

"She's part of my life, I know don't like it but I thought you accepted it. I thought you understood, she's my friend and we need each other."

"Chandler why don't you talk to me instead of her."

"Because I can't, Rachel gets it, she gets me."

"Chandler…" Her voice faded away as he left the room and went to his father.


	8. Oh Father

"Hey man." Ross threw his briefcase on the couch in the coffee shop and sank into the chair. Joey looked up.

"Hey Ross." Confusion smeared Ross' face at the slightly strained greeting from his friend.

"What's up Joe?" Joey fiddled with the paper napkin in his hands and carefully avoided eye contact.

"Did Monica ever tell you why she and Rachel fell out?" Ross looked slightly taken aback by the somewhat abstract question.

"Not really." Joey nodded and continued to avoid Ross' eye line, however had he looked at Ross he would have noticed the dreamy faraway look on his face. "I asked, beautiful Rachel Green. She called the house a few times but Monica never took the calls or replied. We never spoke about her again."

"Do you still want her?" Ross was startled back into reality by the question. He pondered it for a moment.

"She's different now you know, not as ditzy I guess. More serious…her face looks tired I guess would be the word. I mean don't get me wrong she's still breathtaking but she looks older, harsher. And yet more fragile. I'd love to protect her."

"Protect her? So you don't want her?"

"I don't know Joe, all that was such a long time ago and Emily…" Joey nodded his head in understanding. The door to the coffee house opened and an unshaven, tired looking Chandler trudged in. he sank onto the sofa next to Joey. Joey placed a hand on his arm trying to offer comfort. Ross leaned forward.

"Hey Chandler, how you feeling?" he looked up and at Ross, Ross shrank back from the hollow look in his eyes. He'd never seen his friend as low.

"I asked Monica about Rachel, she purposely didn't call." Joey made a sort of groaning noise in the back of his throat.

"What?" Chandler looked at Ross, not having the energy to explain.

"He asked Monica to call Rachel and explain but she didn't." Ross nodded, knowing his sister still harboured bad feelings towards her former best friend. Chandler began to shake slightly, his face becoming grey. Tears pricked at his eyes but he didn't cry. His friends were lost at what to do. Joey stood and disappeared for a few minutes leaving Ross floundering with his oldest friend. The two men sat with Chandler, a comforting hand on his back from each of them. It felt like hours to Joey until the door to the coffee house was flung open.

"Chandler!" The new occupant rushed into the room and flew over to Chandler. Perching herself on the arm of the sofa she pulled him into her arms. And he clung to her and cried. She rocked him slightly making shushing noises. Ross and Joey went to get coffee, Ross needing to talk to his friend.

"Why did you call her?" He honestly didn't have a problem with her himself but felt he should show some opposition.

"Who else should I have called? Your sister so they can fight some more. Rachel's the only one who can reach him now."

"I hate to say this Joey, but he never relaxes himself with Mon like he is right now, in her arms."

* * *

Rachel opened the door to the apartment and went in, Chandler following meekly behind her. She slammed the door behind him. She looked round for a second, she had almost thought they'd be pictures of naked women covering the place, she had imagined that to be Joey's style. It was in fact fairly tidy and clean. She was shocked. She shrugged her coat off and laid it on the foosball table. She joined Chandler were he had almost thrown himself onto the couch. She wrapped her arms about him again and smoothed his hair.

"I don't know what was said but Mon must have told him about the counselling, about why I'm there. When I was in there, he apologised." Chandler's voice was thick with sobs waiting to break free. "He had an idea what was going on, but he never said anything. His business partner…and by that he means his boyfriend. Rachel he knew and he didn't help me." The sob escaped his throat and he cried. She held him in her arms, her heart bleeding for him.

The door opened and Joey came in followed by Ross. Rachel held a finger to her lips and made a shushing noise. She spoke softly so as not to wake the sleeping form in her arms.

"He's exhausted, cried himself to sleep." Joey came closer.

"We can carry him into my spare room." Rachel nodded and smiled at him. Ross and Joey tried to carefully move Chandler. They manoeuvred him into the room and appeared back in moments. "You can stay if you want." She looked up from gathering her things.

"Actually there's somewhere I need to go." Joey nodded.

"When he wakes up…"

"Just be there for him." She smiled and left.

* * *

She knocked on the door. It opened.

"What do you want?"

"We need to talk." She was let into the apartment. "Monica I know what happened. I know what you did. And I think that for Chandler's sake we need to sort this out. Cos he needs help, he doesn't need more hassle."

"And what makes you think you're the one to help him?"

"Cos I'm the one who just held him while he sobbed himself to sleep. Monica you have to accept we're in each other's lives. You'll lose him. He needs supporting not this. I'm sorry about the prom but get over it! It was like a million years ago, you're not the person you was then and I'm definitely not. But we do have one thing in common, Chandler. Now I am gonna help him and I'm gonna be there for him. Monica you think you had it rough, oh god my parents don't like me, I'm fat. That's it, you're not fat anymore and what contact you have with your parents is your choice. You don't understand."

"I can understand I can be there."

"You have no clue!"

"I know him better than you I can understand him."

"Monica you're deluding yourself, you're clinging onto because you're so afraid of losing him but you don't understand you try and tell yourself that you do but you don't until you know what's it like to have someone's hands all over you, to have them probing you and tearing at you, you will never know and God I hope you don't I hope you never know but I do and I can help him and he can help me. I'm not trying to take him away from you, we're friends and we need each other we help each other, but you're the one he comes home to. The one shares his bed, but you can't share this. Please Monica just try understand that this is one thing that isn't yours to share." Monica looked away. She shivered. Almost 5 minutes had passed before Rachel gave up and left.


	9. Monica

_A/N: Endometriosis is an actual condition and in the most severe cases a hysterectomy is needed although I don't know that much about the condition or how bad it has to be to reach that point._

Joey opened the door and sighed with relief when he saw who had knocked. He opened the door before she could say a word and let her in.

"He woke up bout an hour ago, he's just. I didn't know what to do." She nodded and placed a sympathetic hand on his arm before going into the room where she knew he'd be.

"Chandler." He turned.

"I feel so cold." She grabbed the blanket on the bed and went to the chair he was sat in, she wrapped it and her arms around him. "I can't believe he knew what his boyfriend was doing and he didn't stop it. I was his son, it ruined my life." Rachel had heard what had been done to Chandler in his childhood before, in so much detail she felt her stomach turn, hating the man who had destroyed him. She herself found it difficult to believe that a father could let something like that happen to his own child. But all the times she'd heard it before she'd never seen Chandler as lost as he was now. His composure that usually surrounded him was gone and he was a naked as newborn. "Always in my head, I was always gay. At first I thought I was the man when the dreams started but then the more I had them the more I realised that I was the child. I thought I was a gay boy wanting an older man. To show me the way." She felt him shiver and then begin to shake.  
"I never had friends in school, always on my own, like I was carrying this disease and everyone knew about it. I used to get teased all the time. As I got older went to college I met Ross. I never told him about the dreams. They were all the same really, I was a child, a gay child with an older man. The screams used to sound in my head. The ones I thought were pleasure. I was so convinced I was gay that when Ross used to say, look at her she's hot. I'd just agree but in my head I didn't think she was. Just because I thought I was gay. Monica asked me out, not me her. I said no. When we were in London for Ross and Emily's wedding we were both drunk and we slept together. I woke up and I wanted her. I didn't know what to do, I was gay and I'd just slept with a woman and I wanted to do it again. She wouldn't take no after that, said she knew I felt the same bout her as she bout me. But they didn't stop, never stopped always in my head. It was tearing me apart, I left her more than once, but always she dragged me back. They all thought I was just afraid of commitment, in all the years they'd known me I'd never had a girlfriend. They assumed I had but…Monica was my first. She doesn't know she was, too drunk. She knew something was wrong with me, I woke up screaming and sweating enough times for her to know. She confronted me one night, if it hadn't just happened and I'd had time to compose myself I would never have told her but it all came out and I told her I was gay. She said if I was gay then why had I never had a boyfriend, never wanted a man. I didn't know the answer. The next morning she made an appointment with a doctor. She went with me and she did all the talking I just sat there. He said it was possible my mind had been traumatised and suppressed what had happened and the dreams were a way of showing me what I was missing from my memory. He referred me to a shrink. I started to see Kath. We made real progress, when I found out I'd been raped as a child by a man and that they were nightmares and not fantasies I wasn't hurt really, I was relieved. I wasn't gay. But then we went deeper and deeper and it started to hurt and I was a mess. Rachel I'm getting better why did he do it?"  
She held him as he cried and rocked him like her mom had when she had been a child. But unlike when she'd been a child and her mom rocked her she knew it wouldn't take away the pain. The revelation from his father not only of who the person was who had done those things to him but that he'd known and not stopped it had set Chandler back years of therapy. She felt someone watching her and turned and saw them in the doorway. Monica and Joey. She tried to silently communicate to them with her eyes. Monica disappeared but Joey ventured into the room. He placed a hand on Chandler's shoulder and flinched when he jumped, Chandler looked up at his friend and relaxed back a little.

"Chandler honey I'm just gonna go to the kitchen for a second, but then I'll be right back, just here with Joey." She carefully removed herself from Chandler's entwined limbs. She left the room and found Monica sat in the barcalounger.

"You're right, I have no clue what he's going through." Rachel sighed and sat on the bar stool looking at Monica.

"I'm sorry I was so harsh but you needed to realise that wanting to help means doing what's best and it sometimes means taking a backseat."

"I love him. I just want him to be okay." Rachel sighed and closed her eyes for a second.

"That's a long way off." Rachel picked up the phone and punched a number in. "Yes hello could I speak to Kath please?" Rachel drummed her fingers on the breakfast bar while she waited to be put through. "Kath hi it's Rachel Green. I'm with Chandler…yes he was with his father who has just had a heart attack, while he was there. Kath I really can't tell you over the phone what happened, I just think that Chandler would really benefit from your help right now. Could I arrange an emergency appointment for him? You can? That's great. I'll bring him right over." Rachel hung up and turned her attention back to Monica. "Can you bring some fresh clothes over please?" Monica nodded and disappeared and Rachel went back to Chandler. She took her place up on the side of the chair again. "Chandler, Monica is bringing some fresh clothes over for you, then we are both going to go and see Kath okay?" He looked up at her and the pain in his bloodshot eyes almost choked her. He nodded and she hugged him.

* * *

Monica swore as the knife in her hand cut the tip of her finger. Her thoughts of Chandler were now becoming dangerous as her concentration wavered.

"Monica?" Monica turned away from the tap keeping her finger under it. One of the waitresses was stood there expectantly. "There's a man here that says he wants to see you." Monica's knees almost buckled, it had to be Chandler. Maybe the session Rachel had taken him to earlier with Kath had cleared everything up and now he had come to her. She smiled.

"Send him through." The waitress disappeared and Monica switched the water of before getting the first aid kit and putting a plaster over the cut. She looked up when she heard the door. Her jaw almost dropped to the floor.

"Monica." The sound of his voice still managed to send chills through her body and electricity up her spine. He stepped closer when she made no reaction. She finally found her voice before he touched her.

"Richard." She was surprised by the hoarseness in her voice. She blindly reached out until her hand connected with worktop. She used it to guide her to the stool she knew would be there. All the time her eyes never left his. "What are you doing here?" he looked away from her then and she felt alone when their eye contact broke.

"I just needed to see you. I heard from your parents that Chandler had left." At the mention of his name she fought the rush of emotions.

"He's back at Joey's for a while. It's very complicated."

* * *

Richard refilled the glass and leaned back in his chair. Monica ran a finger round the rim of the glass, feeling better for having shared all her fears with Richard. It had been a long time since she'd shared herself with someone like she had just done with Richard and she felt like a weight had been lifted. She chanced a glance in his direction and he seemed off with his thoughts somewhere, she idly wondered if his thoughts were taking the same direction as hers – how comfortably they fitted together.

"I can't have children." She didn't know what made her blurt it out like she had, she'd not really discussed it with anyone, not even Chandler. His expression showed how much he truly had wanted that for her, knowing her like he did he knew it was the key to her happiness. His hand reached across the table and lay on hers. "We, didn't try, I just know because…I had a condition called Endometriosis. It's when the lining of the uterus grows outside of it and it attaches to other things like the ovaries or fallopian tubes. Sometimes it can be okay, a simple treatment and it's fine. But I wasn't that lucky." Tears were flowing silently down her cheeks as the pain of her past fully weighed down on her. She'd not even told her parents, feeling that the pressure her mother had given in the past over children, their bitter disappointment as well as her own would destroy her. "It was just too severe. They tried laparoscopy, to get rid of it but it came back. We tried 5 times, but it just…it wouldn't go away. And I got so ill, I was just in so much pain and I couldn't…there was…we tried everything." Her body becoming racked with sobs Richard found himself on his knees beside her pulling her into his arms. "I…"

"It's okay you don't need to tell me." Her head lifted slightly from it's position on his shoulder.

"I had to let them. I had to let them…I had to have a hysterectomy. I let them take my womb, I let them destroy my dream." Her sobs got louder and louder, though they were muffled by Richard's body. He brought her body round so they were sat together on his chair, her in his lap. He rocked her gently as she sobbed.

After she had stopped crying and had managed to regain some composure. They were again seated opposite each other, though their hands were entwined on the table.

"I wish you'd called. I would have been there for you." She looked down.

"I couldn't. Chandler was…I thought he'd be there but…I guess his problems were just too much for him to help with mine. We weren't ready for children together, but I've been ready for children for years. I didn't tell Ross either. There was Chandler and me and that's all, sometimes it felt like just me. I'm not angry at him, I mean I see the torment he was going through, still is. I guess that's when it really hit me, his pain always gonna be more important, and I would secondary to it. His past was as much part of our relationship as us. But it didn't matter, I loved him. I clung to that love because it became all I had. I don't being everything but it did. We had particularly bad time once, few days we just stopped speaking, lived together and yet apart. And I couldn't stop the thought that if it had happened earlier, before…we would still be together because children wouldn't matter anymore." He reached out a brushed a tear from her cheek. He sighed.

"Have you thought about adoption?" She looked up. She shook her head, sadly.

"It would never work. I'm not sure Chandler will ever be okay enough to have children. And I'm not sure I could live with knowing it was really someone else's child. To not experience everything. The 9 months of bonding, the joy of the first scan. All those things that having a baby means. I think that's when I started to lose him, when we started drifting apart. We were both wrapped up in our own pain and we couldn't help each other. Maybe that's why Rachel being here hurts so much. She can help him through his pain. She can share it with him and I can't. I can't share his pain and I won't let him share mine, but what's worse is I don't think he even realises I'm in pain. I want to be there for him, but I can't cos there's no one here for me." Richard licked his lips.

"Monica I think that although Ross loves your parents he loves you too and if you're not ready for them to know if you told him he'd respect your wish for them not to know. I think if you told him he would most definitely be there for you. You'd get the support you need, and if you're getting support that you need you'll be able to give Chandler the support he needs. And you'll grow closer until eventually you can share your pain with each other." She looked up at him then, she saw the raw emotion covering his features. The pain of his own words penetrating his heart because she knew at that moment he still loved her.


	10. Building Bridges

"Chandler, we need to talk." Monica saw him fighting the urge to slam the door shut in her face. "Talk Chandler, not shout not get angry or upset, but to just talk. Something I know we haven't done in a long time." Although his face didn't soften to give her hope he did let her in. He wrapped a blanket round him as he curled in on himself on the sofa and Monica's heart bled for the sad figure he cut. She sighed and sat, wanting, praying for him to look at her and yet it seemed like he couldn't. "Chandler. I'm sorry, I'm just so very very sorry. I should have been more understanding." He looked up at her then and the surprise he felt was evident by the look on his face. For that she was sad, she never knew how badly she had behaved until then. "Sometimes I forget that we're not best friends anymore, we're a couple. And although the idea of being best friends with your partner is a nice one it's not something that has translated for us. I think the reason I've been so unreasonable is because I couldn't let go of the idea we had to be everything to each other, now I don't think that's possible. Maybe we need a friend or two that are separate from us, offer a new perspective or something but outside of our cocooned little world. And that's what Rachel is for you. I'm sorry I never understood that. We both know how single-minded I can be and as it turns out in this case I was wrong." He peered at her as though he couldn't believe it was really her.

"What changed?" His eyes narrowed as he said it making it seem as though he disbelieved her. She fiddled nervously with the hem of her shirt, knowing how badly he had always reacted to the mention of Richard.

"I found my own friend. Someone to listen to me. The problems we each have are so devastating to us that we have no room to help each other. I think the only way we're going to survive is if we find our strength from somewhere else, because if we're both trying to pull the strength we need from inside our relationship we're just gonna drain it." Tears had sprung to her eyes while she was talking and Chandler knew he should comfort her. In the midst of his problems he'd forgotten that Monica had her own. Now he thought he realised how right she was. How they had gone from best friends to lovers and then neglected their friendship. He used his friendship with Rachel in much the same way he had used his friendship with Monica in the past. To support him. He assumed that Monica must have been as lost as he was in a way to suddenly find the person you rely on has gone and been replaced with a person who needs to rely on you.

"Who's your friend, maybe I should go thank her for possibly saving our relationship." She swallowed when he asked and looked away. Panic rose in Chandler and he wondered why so secretive about this friend if it indeed was her who was responsible for the change in Monica.

"Chandler I know how you feel about him. But his friendship is what I need right now. Chandler my friend is Richard." Looking back many years later Chandler would maybe be able to pinpoint that as the moment he knew that something in their relationship was desperately wrong, but right then when it was happening feeling as he did he didn't even notice. He nodded to her and she felt both relieved and nervous by his lack of volatile response.

"Monica since you've been gracious enough to come here and apologise for your blindness I guess I need to apologise for mine. I should help you more, I know how much you wanted children." Monica's head jerked up to look at him. It was the first time he'd ever mentioned the fact she could no longer have children. Ever since the hysterectomy he had studiously avoided any mention of anything that could possibly lead onto that subject. "But although we both realise we've been wrong, it's easier to say we'll fix it and stop than it is to do. I'm not making excuses, though it may seem like it. But I can't be there for you. I'm sorry I know I should be, but this, my past it's too much for me to handle on it's own, I'm no use to you as I am." She jumped up and sat next to him then, twisting her body to face his, clutching his cold clammy hands in her own.

"But that's my point, we don't there for each other, to help each other through the pain. We have our friends to do that for us. But us, Chandler we can be together and we fix our problems and then maybe when we're stronger people we objectively work through everything else. But when we have our friends to help with our personal problems we have each other to fix **our** problems." He withdrew his hands from her and she felt her heart sinking, was this it? Were they really over?

"I can't just jump back in where we left off." She looked up at him, a film of tears covering her eyes.

"Chandler I'm not asking you to. I just don't want us to be over. I still love you, I still want us to be together. I know we can't go back to where we were, and I don't want to because where we're going, where I hope we're going is so much better, we'll be so much stronger and our relationship so much better. I want us to start again, and when we're ready we'll move on to the next step but for now can we please just not give up. You continue to stay here me at…home and we just build ourselves up again." He began to shake his head.

"It's not that easy Monica, you sound as though you want me to switch off the pain the problems when we're together when I'm not with Rachel and that's impossible. I know I did it before but I can't do it anymore. I can't go back to that man I was because he's not there anymore. I can't continue to hide what I'm going through, and I don't just mean from you. I mean from myself because the longer I suppress stuff the worse it gets. It just festers inside of me until I will do anything to make it go away, and I do mean anything Mon. Part of me misses who I was, the person who could hold it in, who could handle everything, was so strong because he was so cold, so dead inside. But I wasn't dead inside Monica, I tried to be but I wasn't. I was stone and now the stone's been chipped away and there's nothing left but me this great aching raw mass of anguish and I can't turn it off. I can't pretend it's not there anymore." She reached out to him and tenderly stroked his face, managing to brush all the tears from his cheek.

"So you don't turn it off, but you have Rachel to help you and I have Richard to help me, and we just take strength from them and help each other." He jerked his head away and stood up, moving to stare out the window not looking at her.

"I already told you, I'm no good to you."

"Chandler! All I'm asking is for us to try and work everything out. How can you say you can't support me, when you support Rachel? Why can't do the same thing?"

"Because right now it's just too hard, maybe in the future when we're both doing better. But right now we're too wrapped up in ourselves."

"God Chandler what do you want from me." She ran a shaking hand through her hair and let the tears cascade down her face. "Do you want me to swear to give up hurting? To just be there for your soul purpose." He shook his head.

"This is my point, we're hurting each other as we are." She furiously tried to brush the tears from her face.

"Why are you letting everyone but me in? I used to be the first person you turned to." He turned to her then, his head tilted to one side, his eyes soft.

"I know you did. I don't know when that changed exactly but I think this is the only way to save us. Just to have some distance for a while, I'm not saying we're over. I'm saying…let's just have a break. We're just taking a break from us until we can be an 'us' again." She bit down hard on her lower lip, both to stop the trembling and to try and stop more tears coming.

"Do you promise that we're not over and we'll be together again. That during this break we aren't gonna let anyone come between us?" he leaned forward and moved a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

"I promise."

Though Monica's first instinct was to run to Richard to bare her soul to him after leaving Chandler she didn't. Instead she took a cab to her brother's. The door was opened a few moments after she knocked by Emily.

"Oh god Monica!" One look at her and Emily was ushering her inside and mumbling about getting her some tea. Once ensconced in the safety of Ross and Emily's couch with a hot, steaming mug of tea in her hands she felt ready to open up to her brother. Emily had disappeared when the tea had been served and Ross called, sensing it was a conversation the siblings needed to share with just one another. So with Ross opposite her gently leaning towards her, seemingly ready to take her hands in his own, his face a mask of concern she started to tell him.

"Ross, I don't want mom and dad to know what I'm gonna tell you. Remember last year I was really ill for a while and I had into hospital." He was nodding.

"Your appendix." Just trying to tell her tale was bringing her to the edge of sanity.

"No Ross." Her voice broke and tears began a steady freefall, though she had believed after her conversation with Chandler her tears would have all dried away. "I never had appendicitis. I was having treatment for a condition which affects the womb, which is why I had the stomach pains. It was serious Ross, usually it can be cured with the treatment I was having, but in severe cases it can't be. My case was a severe one. And in those such cases extreme action has to be taken. And the extreme action…" a hand went to her mouth as she tried to bring a little self-control about. He leaned forward to her but she leaned away, she knew that if he held her or tried to comfort her in any way she would break. "I had to have a hysterectomy." She saw the shock on his face and just watched as he leaned back in the chair.

"Why didn't you tell me?" His voice was strangled as it came out.

"It was too hard."

"Who else knows?"

"Just Chandler…and Richard." He shot up then and she winced inside. He began to pace and she could almost picture him doing some of his famous 'karatay.'

"When did he find out?"

"Yesterday, he came to see me at the restaurant. We just talked for a while after it closed. It felt so good to talk to someone, it had been a bad day with Chandler and I needed to talk and he was there and we could always share everything. Please don't think I chose him over you because I didn't, it's the just the way it happened. I wasn't gonna tell anyone, I guess I thought if I didn't tell anyone I could pretend it wasn't true, even though other things always reminded me it was. And I guess part of me was scared you'd tell them and I can't stand to see her that disappointed in me, just another I'm no good at." He sighed and the tense melted from his body. He sat next to her then and pulled her against him, stroking her hair and making what he hoped were soothing sounds.

Joey turned as he saw her come in. He leaned over the back of the couch and said her name. She turned to him.

"Hi Joey."

"Hey, what you doing?" She licked her lips.

"I'm just grabbing a couple of muffins, I'm going to see Chandler, I just finished my first day at work, he told me to go straight by when it was over."

"You're working!" She dropped her head, looking slightly embarrassed or uncomfortable he couldn't tell but nodded. "Oh god Rach I wouldn't go up just yet. I was just leaving when Monica went over, she looked like she had something pretty big on her mind."

"Oh." Everyone might have thought Joey was stupid, but even he realised how disappointed Rachel was by this, he didn't know if it was because she was jealous or just scared by what might come of the visit. Either for her friendship with Chandler or just Chandler's general welfare. He could also tell she didn't quite know what to do now.

"Why don't you hang out here with me for a while? She's already been there at least half hour, I'm sure it'll be safe soon." At first Joey would have sworn she looked like a deer trapped in headlights at the suggestion but then he could have sworn he saw a smile grace her lips. She shrugged off her coat and sat next to him. She cast nervous glances at him while chewing her lip and Joey sensed she had something to say but was too scared, so he just gave her time. Finally she seemed ready to speak. She looked up and he noticed a kind of determination in her eyes, he could only assume it was a determination to speak, to say what it was she had on her mind.

"Joey, why are you so nice to me? I mean you're Monica's friend I don't get it." He seemed to be taken aback by her question as though the answer was obvious.

"Well cos, well yeah I'm Monica's friend and I'm Ross' friend but I'm Chandler's friend too. And we were roommates for a long time and best friends." He noticed something in her face, he guessed it was disappointment that Chandler was the only reason. "But also cos you're really nice and the fact you're hot doesn't hurt." He smiled. She looked away then and he saw the red literally crawl up her face. She glanced back up at him.

"Joey you're really sweet. But there's no need to lie." She saw the half stunned look on his face.

"Who's lying, I mean you must have loads of guys telling you how beautiful you are." Her gaze flew to his and he realised it was the first time he'd seen her look in anyone's eyes during a conversation except Chandler's.

"I can't even remember the last compliment I got, it must have been from my husband, at some point before he showed his true self. I do remember there was a time when I would have done the fake modest thing just to encourage more compliments. But then again it was at that time I really believed I was beautiful…something worthy of adoration." He placed his hand softly and loosely over hers, sensing gentleness was the only way she would allow someone to touch her. Her gaze, which had dropped from his the second she realised it was there, crept slowly over his face, meeting his eyes again, but this time she didn't look away.

"Rachel Green, you are one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. And never let anyone or anything make you believe otherwise. You are worthy of so much love, of so much more than you've obviously ever been given." She drew a sharp breath and looked away, her hand moving from his to wipe tears from her eyes before they had the chance to fall. When she had managed to stem the flow and regain some composure she looked into his eyes again.

"And you, Joey Tribbiani, are one the sweetest guys in the world, and it doesn't matter about anything else you are or aren't that is one thing that you should never lose." It was then Joey's turn to look away, embarrassed.

"Maybe we should…go check on Chandler now." She nodded and they both stood, Joey felt something move inside of him as he watched her. Immediately after he felt guilty, whatever it was that he felt for her he had a sneaking suspicion it was more than friendship and that just would never end well.


	11. Feelings and Drinking

He felt cold, but then he always felt cold. He could be wearing several layers, a thick blanket wrapped round him and he would still be cold. He tried to remember the last time he'd felt warm. He couldn't. He was alone again, though that was something he was used to now. He briefly wondered where Monica was and how she was feeling after yesterday morning's conversation, but as suddenly as the thought had come it disappeared from his mind, leaving him again to wallow in his own agony. He sometimes he wished he'd never started counselling. But then would the dreams have continued. With the luxury of hindsight he knew he'd take the dreams if he could go back to where he had been. Maybe his life hadn't been perfect, but at least there had been happiness. He'd been happy with Monica, even his job though he hated it had provided him, with retrospect, a kind of happiness, no more of a contentment. A sign that he was there, he was loved and he was normal. So maybe his emotions had been a little stunted, but it hadn't mattered. He often thought how much better life had been being stunted, the only thing he felt had been positive about going to counselling was meeting Rachel.

He wasn't sure what it was about Rachel that made it easier to help and support her rather than Monica. When their friendship had begun to develop it had been very much in her favour. He had been the one offering the most comfort and support. But maybe it had been her that had broken down that last barrier, as much as he hated how he was and hated the counselling sessions that had made him as he was, the thought of Rachel breaking down the last barrier could not evoke any anger in him. But he had loved protecting Rachel, maybe that was the difference. Though Monica had suffered her pain, and as hard as he tried not to he couldn't help but compare the experiences of the two women, Rachel and Monica were too very different women. Monica's reaction had been denial, he hadn't realised that at the time but now he did. And with denial of course came the strength to react, or not as the case was. Whereas Rachel was a broken woman, one who was fragile, needing protection. And he was happy to give it. Maybe the friendship was selfish, maybe he had merely wanted to help Rachel to make himself feel better. He didn't want to believe that. Rachel was his friend and now he needed her so badly she was there for him and the status quo had shifted. In all the time he'd known Monica she had never needed nor wanted anyone's help, so he had never thought to offer any.

He felt cruel to compare them both, as though there was any comparison to make, Rachel's soft sweet caring qualities were perfect for a friend. And Monica was…Monica was his first, in more ways than one. She had been the one to support him through his first round of counselling, though the revelations that had followed. He felt so lost. He knew he was pushing Monica away and pulling Rachel to him and yet had no idea why. Rachel was just a friend. Monica was so much more, Monica was the person he'd chosen to spend the rest of his life with. He could only assume it was because Rachel was more understanding of how he was, maybe in a few months time he'd be better and Monica would be with him again, no he would be with Monica again, saying it the other way round made it seem like it was her fault. But then it wasn't his fault either. But if neither of them were to blame for this breakdown in their relationship who was. The doctor's who took away Monica's chance of a baby, the man who had abused him or even his father for bringing that man into his life. He didn't want to think these thoughts anymore, so he did what he seemed to always do when these thoughts plagued him too intensely for too long, he reached for the bottle hidden under the couch, and he drank.

* * *

"No Joey. I won't accept this, I know Chandler and he's not an alcoholic!" She crossed her arms over her chest and threw evil glances his way. He sighed.

"Look Rach I'm not saying that, I never said that." He placed a hand on her arm. "I love Chandler like a brother, but we both know he isn't well. And when I get back from work at like 11am and he's half cut there has to be something wrong. I'm not saying alcoholic, I'm just saying maybe he's on his way there. I don't wanna be right but the things I'm seeing can't be denied. We can't just pretend they're not there and hope they go away." She faced the ceiling and pushed a hand through her hair, sighing as she felt tears well up.

"I wanna help him so bad Joe, but I just don't know how." Her voice cracked and he pulled her into his arms. Her head on his chest she cried. It wasn't until the tears began to dry on his shirt she realised how unafraid of being in his arms she had been and she internally jumped for joy at the small victory, but then stopped wishing that Chandler could experience a victory, even one as small as hers. Joey knew she'd stopped crying, could even feel her hands inch by inch creeping round to his back, hugging him back. He had prayed the spark he had felt had been purely friendship based but feeling her weight against him, his arms around her, her breath on his neck he knew it wasn't. He also knew he hadn't felt this before. He'd never been so held to attention by holding someone. He was Joey, feelings never entered into anything. So why now? Why with her? He wasn't stupid he knew eventually Chandler would realise he wanted more than friendship from her and he'd be lying if he said he didn't want that for Chandler. Though he loved Monica, loved them as a couple he could see that this thing was inevitably going to tear them apart. So how could he risk his friendship with Chandler by doing anything with this beautiful, enchanting woman in his arms? But then he also agonised how long would it be before Chandler realised how he felt?

* * *

"Chandler drinking is not gonna solve your problems." Rachel knew she must have said that at least 4 times in the conversation with Chandler over the past 15 minutes but she was running out of things to say, she knew of no way to convince him even though she knew it was true. He took a slug from the bottle he had pulled out in order to antagonise her. He shook his head, ears unfocused from the alcohol and yet she could still see the deep-seated haunted look of a man who had given up.

"You don't get it Rach." She slammed her hand on the counter. He jumped slightly and looked at her, he'd never known her to be aggressive so even in his drunken stupor he knew she was about to say something important.

"Don't you dare tell me that! God damnit Chandler! You think I don't get it, you think I don't know what it's like to be so desperate to have just a moment's respite from all the thoughts swirling round in your head, the thoughts that plague you every single second. You think I don't know how that feels, you think I don't get how great it feels to slip into that oblivion. I do know Chandler. I know what it feels like to hear so many people quote the eternal line, the answer is not at the bottom of the bottle. You what else I know, I know what it's like to know deep in your heart that it doesn't matter that the answer isn't there cos you know that by the time you get to the bottom you've already forgotten the fucking question. But I never knew this Chandler," her voice cracked but she fought on with what she had to say, tears slipping silently down her face and though he wanted to he didn't reach forward and wipe them away "what everyone else saw when they saw me, I never knew what it was like to watch someone you love throwing themselves away because they're tired of fighting. Chandler I know you're hurting and I know it's hard and I know you just want it to go away, I know you'd do anything for that and you pray everyday that someone will come along and make you forget it all and convince you it was all just a bad dream. But that is not gonna happen Chandler. No one can convince you that because it's not just a bad dream it's shit world Chandler and it's been shit to you, but you can't solve it by drinking cos sooner or later you're gonna be sober and it's all gonna come flooding back and you won't know what to do with it all, you'll so lost. Chandler please don't throw this away I know you're hurting but you don't get how far you've come, I know it doesn't feel like it. But please don't give up, and I know this might be selfish but I can't let you give up cos I need you so much." A strangled sob escaped on the final word as she broke down and he had never felt so low. He never wanted to hurt her like he obviously was but he truly didn't think he'd survive without the drink, it was the one thing he had left to cling onto. But as he reached out and pulled her into his arms offering her comfort he realised he didn't just have the drink to cling onto he had friends like Rachel and Joey, people who would do anything they could for him, to help him.

* * *

Ross could hardly equate the man he'd known in college to the man he knew today. Sure he felt sorry for Chandler he'd been through a lot but he couldn't understand why he'd been so selfish in regards to Monica. He'd spoken to Joey about it, in return Joey had told him that he and Rachel suspected Chandler had a drink problem which Rachel was going to tackle with him. He wanted to feel sympathy for his friend but he felt as though everything around him was falling to pieces because of Chandler. His sister was a mess not only because the man she loved refused to help her, or turn to her for help but was pushing her away. His marriage was in trouble all because of a history that had long since become irrelevant. His feelings for his sister's ex best friend all those years ago were causing Emily concern though he had no idea why. Monica had spoke of them with Rachel's return and Emily for some reason that he couldn't find felt threatened. Something about first love, though he surmised if that were true shouldn't he feel threatened by her first love. She pointed out that her first love had run it's course whereas his had not and besides her first love was most likely still in England far from them and his was right in their lives. If Chandler hadn't brought her into their lives he imagined that the marriage he had longed for with Carol would have long since become a reality with Emily. But it was difficult to start a family when your wife was in your bed and you were in the spare room, this Ross felt was a little bit of an overreaction but the moment he hinted at this to Emily she got hysterical. He couldn't see where this sudden jealousy had come from. But then Emily's jealousy didn't seem limited to Rachel. Her jealousy also included his son. He knew deep down Emily loved Ben, who wouldn't love him. He could only assume this jealousy was because Ben wasn't hers. When it came down to it Ben was his and Carol's, though he knew from their conversations Susan felt no such jealousy because she was not a biological parent. But Emily couldn't accept it, which further confused Ross because he imagined that jealousy and obvious need for children of her own would bring them closer together. For now he watched her sleep, he had taken to doing this often for he felt it was the only time he got to see Emily, the Emily he had fallen in love with in the space of one date, the Emily he had known he must marry after only a month. He wished he could have that vivacious, loving woman back but he didn't know where she'd gone.

* * *

Rachel opened the door to the apartment she shared with Phoebe. After finally returning to the city from her mother's house she had been unable to face going to that apartment. It had been hard going back the first time after her husband had been sent to prison but now it was impossible. She knew she'd never be able to face walking into that place, living in that place when Luke was out, when he could come back at any moment and do god knows what to her. And Phoebe had understood when Rachel had refused the offer to live with her because it was still to close to that apartment, so she'd suggested they find a new apartment together. Rachel had been so glad to have Phoebe beside her. She had no idea where she'd be now if it wasn't for her.

She dropped her keys on the small table and flopped onto the couch. After yesterday she felt drained this morning but work was still calling her and she knew she had to go. If someone had told her all those years ago when she was still in high school she'd be serving coffee for a living she'd never have believed them. But here she was living in a relatively nice, if a little small apartment in the city with a blond hippie type woman that was full of strength and had a past littered with tragedy. Working at a coffee shop that she had found through Chandler, a man she met in counselling. She had a failed marriage and a dead baby. It wasn't the life she'd always dreamed of but in hindsight of a sort she was happy with what she had, she was happy with her little apartment that she shared with Phoebe, though in some respects she hated her job she was in many others happy with it, she was happy with her good friend Chandler and what he brought to her life, including his good friend Joey. She was unsure what her feelings meant when they concerned Joey. She never realised that an actor, a star could be as sweet as he was, so totally unaffected by the fame. Though her life was far from her old perfect ideal it was so much better than the life she had been living with Luke.

Thinking about how her life had changed instantly made her feel guilty, with moving apartments and starting work, along with her counselling sessions and helping Chandler through his father's revelations and now obviously what Joey had been right in diagnosing as a drink problem she realised it had been a little over 3 months since she had visited Emma. She berated herself for being so wrapped up in everything that she had forgotten the little girl she never had the chance to hold. She had stopped living in that world where everything was fine, where Emma had been born and grown into the sweetest loveliest little girl imaginable. She had for a while dreamt of her though, but now she found when she slept it had become less filled with dreams of her little girl and more filled with nightmares. She remembered when she had first met and became friends with Chandler, how she had wondered what the point in their meeting had been when all she seemed to do was sap Chandler of his own strength, now she knew it was the other way round. She felt her life had almost been consumed by him, by helping him and being there for him. Yet she didn't feel resentful for that. It was only fair she return what he had so willingly given. She assumed the source of her nightmares however was because of the time she spent helping Chandler, she had stopped trying to work through her own problems, exhaustion claiming her when she got home before she could even begin to try. So the only time left open to her mind of trying to fix her was her subconscious mind during sleep.

* * *

Phoebe had been stood behind her for at least ten minutes just watching her, she was worried about her friend. It wasn't that she didn't admire Rachel for her dedication to Chandler, but she knew that if Rachel continued like this, making no progress of her own the only way she could possibly go was backwards, and Phoebe didn't want to see that. Rachel was so deep in her thoughts she hadn't even noticed Phoebe come home. She'd seen many things in her time on the streets, nothing however as tragic as Chandler, and she was sure she didn't even know the half of that. She felt sorry for him and wished what happened to him hadn't. And she also genuinely liked him, she knew he had been such great help for Rachel in the past but she was so scared that now he was down he'd bring them both down. Rescuing Rachel had never been a chore to Phoebe, never a job but something she had to do nonetheless.

Now watching her she realised she relied on Rachel almost as much as she knew Rachel relied on her. She'd never had close friends, in her childhood she'd been pushed to be friends with her twin sister, Ursula. As time had passed she'd become so close to her mother, so needed to do things other children didn't have to, other children who had two parents, that friends had never fitted into the equation. Then once her mother died and she'd ended up on the streets friends had been few and far between and besides which her street friends, though they were people to talk to they could never truly be friends, because when one had something they all wanted it, whether it be a decent shelter or some food. Something to keep them alive. She had friends at work but nothing and no one had ever been a friend like Rachel. Rachel was the person she came home to after her bad dates and ate ice cream. Rachel was who she could sit with and analyse the guys she was seeing. Rachel was the person who was there to watch a good film, to go out to the movies or just go out shopping. Rachel was her best friend, and Rachel had become so much a part of her life she was unsure whether she could handle the day when Rachel left, whether it be because she had finally freed herself from the bonds of her past and found the love she deserved but continually denied herself or because she had been further destroyed. She prayed it would be the first one, that they would both find the one person in the world who would be their other half.

She knew without a doubt unless Rachel began to care for herself, she'd lose Rachel to that second option, and that was something she didn't want. She wished Rachel would find someone like the guy she'd been seeing for the last 2 months, someone like Mike. Someone who would be willing to go at her speed, to help her through the problems that being in a relationship would undoubtedly bring, she suspected that maybe deep down Rachel felt ore than friendship for Chandler, not because she'd done or said anything to make her think it but because it would be so logical that she would. After all he was the first man she met after Luke that she felt comfortable with and trusted, that phoebe knew would always count for a lot, she just wished she knew how Chandler felt, that if when it was all over, when both had battled through all the crap, when both were strong enough to stand on their own that Chandler would still be there for Rachel, that if nothing else came their friendship would survive. Because Phoebe also knew Rachel was resigned in her heart of hearts to the fact Chandler would marry Monica.


	12. Joey

He was so tired. It seemed like everyday was blending into one, the routine had never been planned, it seemed to have just happened. Go to work everyday and come home, cook a meal for the three of them and then sit with them until Chandler eventually drifted off, exhausted. And then came her tears. It wasn't so much the routine that made him feel so deathly tired, it was when her tears came and he held her. That was what made him tired, knowing that each night he would have to come home and hold her through her tears, knowing that most nights it would end with her curling up in his arms and falling asleep. And on those nights he could do nothing except watch her sleep in his arms. Last night she'd confided in him, that when she went home and fell into her bed, into an exhausted sleep the nightmares would come. She also told him that when she was there, when sleep came peacefully in his arms she actually slept, she didn't wait for the nightmares to come and then spend most of the early hours fighting off exhaustion too scared to go back to sleep after a nightmare had woken her. So he spent nearly every night she slept soundly watching over her. Sure he could move her, sure he could go to sleep too, but there was just something about her, so mesmerising that sleep was never an option. In truth he'd probably gladly take the tiredness just for the feeling that crept over him as she stayed peaceful in his arms. He knew it couldn't last forever, that sooner or later they would both realise the feelings locked deep away so buried under all the shit they had inside of them. And then Rachel would no longer sleep in his arms, she'd sleep in someone else's. He tried so desperately hard not to let the jealousy consume him, as well as fighting his desire to hold her just that one second longer after she woke in the morning to go home and shower. He could hear voices as he approached his home and before he opened the door took a deep breath, as if it would give him the strength to face another night.

"Hey Joey, took your time tonight, and tonight's special." He looked at her as the doorknob slipped from his fingers, the door banging shut behind him. She looked so beautiful. He'd never seen anything like it in his life. The dress was simple black, but it hugged her figure in all the right places. He couldn't imagine a woman as self-conscious as Rachel, as shy, would buy herself a dress like that. "Joey you know Phoebe right." She indicated the blonde sat on the couch. "This is her boyfriend Mike." The guy stood and held a hand out, Joey moved as if on autopilot shaking his hand and greeting him. "Chandler's just finishing up getting ready. We're all going out, it was Phoebe's idea. When I got home this morning I had some very important documents waiting for me. It was my Decree Absolute. I'm divorced, all official. My marriage completed finished, like nothing but a bad dream." He saw the tears in her eyes as she said it and heard the sad almost wistful tone to her voice, he ached to reach out and hold her. "So Phoebe decided that since I never got a celebration of my marriage when it started, we should at least celebrate the end of it. So she decided we should all go out for a meal, she had to take me shopping first of course"

"And she did a great job." Rachel spun to the owner of the voice. "She's right, we should celebrate that he's out of your life." The two moved forward and embraced and the pain which shot through Joey's heart was like a knife. When they finally broke apart he saw something then, something he hadn't seen in his friend for a long time, hope. It radiated from him. And he felt like he was going to cry. He knew without a doubt Rachel had brought that hope to Chandler's life. "So man come on get ready."

"I, um I can't make it." His voice came out hoarse and he felt sure that someone in the room must be picking up on his feelings.

"Oh come on Joey, for me please. After all I can't be the fifth wheel on my special night." He cocked his head.

"Rachel and I talked earlier and we thought it would probably be a good idea if I invited Monica." Joey knew his jaw was hanging down and felt sure he must be catching a fly or two.

"Monica? You've invited Monica?" Chandler sighed and bobbed his head slightly.

"Well Rachel's finally breaking free of her past and it's encouraged me to try and break free of mine and pushing Monica away is not doing that. I owe it to us to fight at least half as hard as she is." Rachel's hand smoothed circles on Chandler's back while he spoke and the smile on her face radiated pride.

"Well I guess I could rearrange some things." The group smiled at him and he disappeared into his room, seconds later there was a knock on his door. Chandler slid in and sat on his bed.

"Joey thank you for everything. Thank you for supporting me about the Rachel thing even when no one else did. You're my best friend, I don't know what I would have done without you. I mean you've taken me in and just looked after me for what 5 months now and I haven't made it easy. The drinking, which you saw and helped find a way to stop me. I'm not saying my life's gonna be perfect from now on or anything but…hopefully I can make some progress now. When I found out about my dad Kath put me on anti-depressants. Said I needed taking out of my rut. But they didn't work, if anything my rut got deeper. I don't know what it was about Rachel running round here waving her Decree Absolute in my face that got me out of the rut. She called in work sick and we just spent the whole day together. We went for a walk through Central Park, even did some tourist-y things. It was great, it was like someone had just picked me up and taken me away from it all. When we got back that's when we talked about the two things that we avoided talking about all day, our problems. She's an amazing woman Joe. She's just survived so much and she's still standing, she's grabbing life with both hands. She's a real inspiration. You know I was the one showing her the way until I went to see my dad and what he told me just, well words fail me. And it was like this huge weight had been hoisted onto my shoulders and weighed me down so bad, and I just couldn't get it off. So I gave into it, I let this huge, gaping, black hole of despair swallow me whole. But I'm gonna fight now Joe, I promise I'm gonna try and get better."

"Chandler, I think this is great but I just have to ask. Do you still love Monica as much as before, as much as when you asked her to marry you?" As soon as the question was out Joey wished he could take it back. Chandler was here making a break through and here he was, the best friend, on the verge of making him question all the decisions he'd made. Did he really want Chandler to think about what he'd be losing if he continued down the path with Monica? Or did he owe it to his best friend to really make him think about his decision?

"Joey I asked her to marry me, and when I did that, it was the one time in my life that I was the closest I've ever been to being normal."

"Are you only doing it to be normal?"

"Joey it's hard to explain but I think that this is something I have to do. She was so desperate when she came to see me, how can I hurt her like that when I'm the one who moved things forward. I'm the one who declared my love for her first. I have to try and fix this relationship it's only fair. Not just to Monica but to me. I loved her Joey more than my life and I need to find that again, I think I've just been so lost in all my shit that love has just moved out of my grasp and now I just have to reach further to grab hold of it again."

* * *

To Joey's mind the meal had gone better than expected but still not exactly what anyone could call a celebration. Mike and Phoebe had left the restaurant and gone back to Mike's place so now the four of them were left to get their coats, pay the bill and leave. Chandler insisted on paying, Monica had looked aggrieved but hadn't said anything. Although Monica hadn't been mean to Rachel it was obvious there was an undercurrent. Joey found that a little unfair since it was Rachel that was constantly pushing Chandler to make amends with Monica. Chandler and Monica took a cab and headed back to the apartment to talk while he and Rachel decided to walk back to give them some time alone. As they walked through the dark Manhattan streets side by side he was tempted to take hold of her hand, he didn't.

"So what you think bout Mon and Chandler?" He heard her suck in a breath.

"I don't know, it's so weird seeing him like he was today. Like in the space of the 12 hours he was asleep he became someone completely different. I guess part of me is scared it's temporary, or it's a seriously heavy amount of denial and that if it is, she won't be able to handle the part where he comes back down to earth. But that might be my mothering instinct kicking in." She abruptly stopped talking and looked away.

"I'm sorry about your baby." There was a long stretch of silence before she spoke.

"I don't know whether it would be easier now if I hadn't lived in my fantasy world, just got on as it was. Maybe if I had, if I'd never created a whole person for the baby to be if it was just a baby and not my daughter Emma then maybe it wouldn't be as hard. This baby with no name or face or personality. But I gave her all that, I got attached to a person who never existed. I don't know whether I mourn Emma or my baby. I don't even know if they're the same person anymore."

"Well this is me. You wanna come in?" Rachel had been so lost in thought she hadn't realised she was at the top of the stairs on Joey's floor.

"Not tonight Joe, Monica and Chandler, plus I should call my parents and tell them that the son-in-law they hated yet never really knew is now nothing." Her voice became merely a whisper as she said those last words.

"He's not nothing Rach, he's a part of your past, he may be a bad part but he's an important one. What happened with him changed your life and you completely."

"You're like the sweetest guy." He shrugged and glanced around embarrassed.

"Gotta be the first woman to say that."

"I mean it Joey."

"Yeah well you're just seeing this side of me, not the womanising pig side. Only interested in looks."

"So why don't you show more people."

"Cos the side I show makes me fall into one of the two categories you wanna be in. Great looking or smart, nice doesn't get you far. Women don't want nice, they want a fling with a hot guy or marriage to a smart guy."

"Not all women, in fact I'd choose a nice guy over a hot guy, and since I've already chosen a hot guy over a smart guy I must rate nice guys more than smart guys too." Joey thought his heart might explode from his chest. It appeared as though Rachel was maybe, flirting with him. Either that or she was so unused to being around guys she honestly didn't realise what she was doing. His hand reached out of its own free will, it cupped her cheek and she pressed into it. Before he could even catch himself he felt his face moving closer to hers, before he knew it his lips were lightly grazing Rachel's. And she didn't pull away.

* * *

Monica opened the door to her apartment and slipped in, not surprised to find people in there, her face was split into a huge grin.

"Where have you been?" The two people occupying her couch both turned to her. Ross firing the question at her accusingly.

"The 6 of us went out for dinner." His face resembled thunder as the words slipped easily from her tongue.

"The 6 of us? I'm sorry I thought the 6 of us was you, Chandler, me, Emily, Joey and some random date. Who is this new 6 of us?" Her shoulders sank a little and yet the smile didn't fade.

"Sorry Ross but Rachel got her Decree Absolute today and her friend decided they should celebrate. It was Phoebe and her boyfriend, Rachel, Joey, Chandler and myself. I only got invited because Chandler is finally trying to make us work. It's not like I could have invited you." Emily elbowed Ross before another word could be said and he abruptly shut his half open mouth.

"Well obviously things went well with Chandler from the smile on your face." Monica floated towards the barcalounger and flopped into it.

"Well yes but the smile's not just down to that."

"Well what?" Emily seemed to come alive at the hint of gossip. Ross sensing he was excess to requirements excused himself to go to the bathroom.

"Let's just say we don't need to worry about Rachel Green anymore." Emily's eyes widened inviting Monica to say more. "This fragile woman thing is all an act and sooner or later they will realise that. Because fragile women don't usually succumb to the charms of a famous, good-looking actor."

"Rachel and Joey!" Monica's face lit up with glee.

"I just saw them in the hall, they were kissing!"

"Rachel and Joey were kissing!!!!!" The voice resounded from the bathroom before the door was flung open.

"What's the matter Ross, jealous?" Emily stood and faced her husband.

"It was a shock but I'm not jealous, what is your problem why can't you accept I love you and want to be with you." Hands went to hips and Emily glared daggers at him.

"Because you shouted her name in your sleep!"

"You mean to tell me that I've been sleeping in the spare room going through hell because I shouted her name in my sleep!" Emily averted her eyes before once again glaring at him.

"Well yes."

"That doesn't mean anything. Emily I dream about great big multicoloured fish it doesn't mean I'm going to leave you for one!"

"Yes but a great big multicoloured fish wasn't your first love."

"Emily who cares who I loved first, what matters is who I love last and that's you. So I fell in love with her first. I was a kid I didn't know what real love was. But I do now and I love you, I want my life to be with you, I want the mother of my children to be you."

"You want us to have children." The anger had drained from her voice and been replaced by a hopeful uncertainty.

"Desperately."

"Oh Ross." They both leaned over the couch separating them and embraced.

"Good news all round then." Monica quipped before she went into her room.

* * *

Phoebe entered her apartment and found a stone faced Rachel sat on the sofa staring at the TV set, which was off. She was still in the dress she had been wearing the night before and though she wasn't crying the smudges of mascara under her eyes told phoebe she had been.

"Sweetie what's wrong?" Phoebe was beside her in a second pulling Rachel into her arms and smoothing her hair.

"I kissed Joey last night." If Phoebe hadn't been sitting down she thought she may have fallen, of all the things in the world it could have been she had no inclination it would have been that.

"And?" She tried to keep her voice normal.

"I just…I don't know what happened." Panic shot through Phoebe and she wished she didn't have to ask the next question.

"Did he hurt you?" Rachel bolted up out of Phoebe's arms and looked at her.

"No! Joey's not like that. I…I wanted him to."

"Then what's the problem." The look of her face as she turned back to her friend nearly broke phoebe's heart.

"I'm scared."

"Do you like him?" Rachel nodded. "Do you trust him?" Though Rachel hesitated for a second she nodded again. "Then I think that you should talk to him and if he feels the same then maybe get a coffee sometime."

"But…" Phoebe shook her head to silence her friend.

"There are no buts…Rachel I know what you went through was truly awful. But you're making such good progress. You can't run from the possibility of love. Not all men are gonna be like him. I found a good one and so will you. And for it's worth I think Joey is a good one. And I know that you trust Chandler, so would Chandler be friends with a bad one?"

* * *

He padded from his bedroom to the door and opened it.

"Rachel." He hadn't expected to find her at his door. He opened it wider and let her in. she shrugged off her coat and placed in on the foosball table. No words were said as she stepped into the open circle of his arms. He didn't ask why she was there, it was obvious something was upsetting her and he was happy to be there for her. He felt her hands clinging to him as though she were drowning and he was her lifeline. At that exact moment the door to Monica's apartment opened and he stepped inside.

"Monica?" She appeared in the doorway to the bedroom and took in his dishevelled appearance.

"What's wrong?" Concern ran through every pore and she moved over to him and dragged him to the couch. Rachel spoke at the same time.

"I kissed Joey last night."

"I kissed Rachel last night." She wasn't surprised by the admission only that he chose her to come to.

"And?" He turned to her then and she saw the devastated in his eyes. He knew that Rachel was fake and needed help to figure out how to break the news to Chandler. He shook his head. Dropping it down into his hands.

"I'm in love with her. And it can't ever happen. She's…so delicate and I've managed to deal with that this far but even if she did want me too, which I sincerely doubt I don't know how to be delicate with a woman if I'm in a relationship with her. Monica what am I gonna do? I've never felt like this before – ever. What if she's the one?" Her mouth hung down, this she had not been expecting. Though it ruined her theory about what Rachel was doing she seemed unable to comprehend the fact that Joey could ever be in love.

He pulled back from her and stared at her while the tears slipped down her face. Anger coursed through his veins, how could Joey do this to her? Not only was Rachel his friend, who in his way he loved but she was so precious to him. Like a fragile and delicate flower to be admired and yet never touched. He had never before felt the urge to punch someone like he did now.

"Chandler I don't know what to do." His eyes closed as he tried to contain the fury building inside of him. "He was so sweet but I'm still so scared. I know he's your friend and everything but…my marriage destroyed me and I'm so scared of letting a man in again." Confusion gathering within him.

"You like him?" The words were choked out from his rapidly tightening throat. Her nod shattered his world. The idea that Rachel could be with someone was like a dagger to his heart, like someone ripping his heart out from within him.

"I think the best person to talk to is Chandler. He knows Rachel better than the rest of us, if she likes you back then he's the one that knows. He'll know how to proceed without hurting her." Joey nodded and suddenly felt reinspired. She had kissed him back. If could be that he was on the verge of his dreams coming true. Without bothering to thank Monica for her help he bolted for her apartment and flung the door to his open. Rachel's tear stained face over Chandler's shoulder was the first thing to greet him and he felt winded by the thought he might be the one who had made her cry. Chandler turned slowly and saw his best friend.

"A moment Joe." Joey meekly followed his friend's lead into his bedroom. As soon as the door was closed Chandler turned to face him. "You kissed." His voice was strangled and Joey was afraid of what was inside his friend. Though he wasn't sure he felt that anger was boiling inside him. He nodded in reply and yet it seemed inadequate. They hadn't just kissed – it had been so much more.

"I think I'm in love with her." He paused for a second. And then shook his head. "No, I know I'm in love with her. I'm sorry." Though an apology wasn't strictly needed as Chandler had never indicated he felt anything more than friendship for Rachel it didn't stop the guilt Joey felt.

"Love. I didn't realise you knew what it was." Joey tried to gauge the reaction, the emotions flitting across his face and yet couldn't.

"I didn't. Until she came. I just…I love her and I want so badly to just hold her and make sure that nothing in this world hurts her again – ever. And the fact that I'm almost certain that I'm the reason she's crying is killing me." The honesty in his friend's eye did little to help the sinking feeling of dread in Chandler's stomach. He should be happy that it was his best friend who was in love with Rachel, someone he did actually trust. Someone who desperately wanted to help her and give her the love she needed and yet he couldn't help but feel envious. The thought that something could come between them unsettled him more than he'd ever admit to anyone other than himself.

"She's not crying because she's mad or upset or that she regrets it. She's crying because she likes you and she's scared." He didn't fail to miss the shocked widening of Joey's eyes and he couldn't help but wonder how Joey had become so insecure about his ability with women. Maybe that's what love did to everyone – even the smoothest guy in the world could be love's bitch. Though he didn't ask he knew Joey wanted his permission. And though he didn't want to give it, there was the more reasonable side to him. The side that could see the situation as it was. He was still engaged to Monica and Joey was in love with Rachel. Joey would protect her, and no matter what his feelings were he couldn't sentence her to a life without love. "So maybe you should go and talk to her. Reassure her. Tell her how you feel." Joey wasn't blind, he knew that this was the moment that Chandler realised how deep his feelings for Rachel ran, he couldn't understand why he was telling him to go for it. Maybe it was because of some weird loyalty to Monica. Maybe he was still trying to deny it. A million maybes ran through his head but at the end of the day, as long as Chandler had okayed it he would love her til the day he died. If she let him.


	13. Realisation

_Sorry it's been so long since I've updated but this story is pretty close to being finished._

_A/N: Five months has passed between the last chapter and this._

Monica's heart felt heavy as she knocked on the door in front of her. After months of trying to reconcile with Chandler she had realised something very important. If you had to fight this hard for something it usually meant it wasn't working. She loved Chandler, at the beginning it had been a romantic love. She didn't know if it would have changed naturally or if their problems had eaten away at them until all that was left was this different love. The only kind she could liken it to was the love she felt for her brother. Which probably wasn't going to be a comfort to Chandler. Truth be told it had been her frequent meetings with Richard that had shown her that it was time to give up the ghost. She and Chandler were not going to make it. Whenever she was with Richard things were easy. They just seemed to connect. And as she had spent ever more time musing on the situation she knew without a doubt that had he realised she was never going to have children before she and Richard had ended – well they wouldn't have ended if she'd known. She wasn't stupid, she knew she could have made the situation easier. If she had accepted from the start that the help Chandler needed could not be provided by her then maybe she would have accepted his friendship with Rachel. Maybe it had taken her appearance in their lives to show them that they were not meant to be together. At first the thought that Chandler had fallen in love with her had provoked jealousy, but now it did not. She felt somehow sad that this realisation had not come sooner. Before Joey had fallen in love with her – and though she didn't know Rachel's feelings towards Joey she did feel sure that had Chandler approached her first then they would have made a beautiful couple. Well maybe not beautiful. Not at first, they were too troubled and Monica wasn't naïve enough to believe they would ever be anything close to normal. Maybe that's why they fit together so well. Their tragedies uniting them and so it seemed making them perfect for one another.

"Monica, I didn't think we were meeting until later." She smiled at him and it warmed her heart to see how much better he was beginning to look. If she tried hard and looked deeply she could even see small improvements day by day. He'd told her that as how he was living now, day by day. It seemed to be a tactic that was working for him and she hoped that what she was about to do didn't send him back in any way.

"Can I come in?" He nodded and stepped back to let her into the apartment. She moved inside and flung her coat on the foosball table. "Chandler we need to talk." She instantly regretted those words – they were the universal signal that a break up was about to occur. Either he didn't know the real meaning of them or he didn't care for it provoked no reaction from him. He sat in the barcalounger and she sat on the sofa. He didn't say a word but sat patiently waiting for her to start. "Chandler I love you, but it's not the same anymore. I think marriage would be the wrong step."

"Ok. I don't know what to say. When you came to me and begged for us to make it work – I knew that if you were willing to try so hard then I needed to do the same."

"That was your motivation?" He nodded and she felt slightly wounded – but she shook it off.

"I guess you're not willing to try anymore." She couldn't distinguish what his tone held though she tried.

"It's not that Chandler but we've been trying for almost 5 months now and I see improvements in you – but we are still failing almost as badly as we were then. And this thing has shown me that…that we just seemed to be closer as friends than we have ever been as lovers. I don't think that's right." She paused for a minute wanting him to react, to say something. And yet she didn't want that something to be to disagree. Maybe there was once a time she would have wanted reassuring that she was wrong – that they had made huge improvements, but not anymore. "I always thought a relationship built on friendship would last. Maybe most do, maybe we just both feel in love with the idea of being in love with your best friend. But for us our friendship doesn't translate. I don't know when it happened but at some point I stopped loving as a woman loves a man and it became more of a woman and a friend…or even a girl and her brother." She was thankful when she said those words that it had been so long since they had been together in the biblical sense – it would have seemed somewhat repulsive to say something like that had it been only recently.

"Monica I love you," in the moment's pause he took she felt coldness seep through her body at the idea of what she had just said and what it would do to someone who truly loved you. "But you're right. Our love is better left platonic. You were always Ross' little sister – until London. Somehow over the course of time you've become my little sister too. And I think our relationships chance of survival are about a million times increased if we go back to what we were. Sometimes we choose relationships because they right for us. But we evolve so much that often the evolutionary process – god I sound like Ross," both smiled at the thought and felt bonded by their memories of times like this before becoming lovers and ruining things. "well it just, it evolves so much, we evolve so much that a relationship that was once right for us suddenly isn't what we need anymore. I guess the only relationships that last through everything, through time are the ones who are lucky enough to find a soulmate." Unbidden thoughts of Richard entered her mid and he fond it bizarre that although coming here to break up with Chandler because of realisations from having Richard in her life she had not contemplated being with him again. But Chandler's words brought the thoughts to her mind. Perhaps Richard was her soulmate. Because like Chandler said a relationship with a soulmate will last forever. And she still felt the same pull, the same love and the same spark when she was with him. They still understood each other. "I think it was right for us then – but now we need other things, from other places." She wondered if he was thinking about Rachel, before she knew she was doing it she blurted out her question.

"Is Rachel what you need now?" there would have once been a time when Chandler would have heard those words coming from her lips tinged with jealousy, anger and probably a little sarcasm. But no longer. Those words that had once been so loaded were now just a question – like any other.

"That doesn't really matter does it. She and Joey are happy." She didn't miss the wistful air in his tone.

"Of course it does. Like you said some relationships are what we need at the time and sometimes they are just forever with our soulmates. I don't want to sound harsh or unfair but I don't believe that they are soulmates. I think eventually it will end. When both have gotten what they needed from the relationship and then both will move on, hopefully Joey will find his soulmate – and you will get to be with yours."

"You think she's my soulmate." Monica smiled reassuringly at him. His tone had reminded her of a hopeful little boy.

"Yes I do – I'm sorry I stood in the way of that." He shook his head.

"If it was meant to be, if we are soulmates then it will happen eventually."

"God Chandler, I love you so much." Both stood and embraced, he stroked her hair so softly as she clung to him.

"I love you too Mon."

* * *

Monica swung the door of the coffee house open and went inside. The cold air dissipated and she was enveloped in the warm aromatic atmosphere of Central Perk. The conversation with Chandler had actually served to buoy her spirit much more than she had thought it would, in fact much more than anything had in months. In a way she supposed she felt free – though the thought was not alone, it did come accompanied by guilt that she should think that. She joined the queue at the counter and when the final person holding her back from coffee turned to face her she stepped back. She shouldn't find it strange to be face to face with her and yet at this second it appeared to be that she was, even more worrying was how quickly her carefree mood evaporated.

"Hello Monica." There was no coldness in the voice and Monica accepted that she would have deserved it if there had been.

"Hi Rachel, are you busy? If not would you like to join me?" The question seemed a little bizarre in that Rachel was actually there first but she nodded anyway. Rachel disappeared from the line and sat waiting for Monica to come over after purchasing her coffee. Monica sipped at the latte in her hands and gladly sighed in content, she gently pushed the steaming mug round her hands taking the chill from them. As she did so she surveyed the woman opposite her. She remembered back to the girl she had known in high school. Though she admitted an improvement in her, like in Chandler over the months it was obvious to anyone that Rachel Green would never be anything like she had been in high school – on the surface that remark would probably please many of the people they'd been at high school with. However that was not the way it played in Monica's mind. The girl she remembered however shallow or cruel she may have been had oozed confidence. And never again would Rachel ooze confidence. If Monica blocked the prom from her mind and allowed herself to remember the happier times with her once best friend she became immensely sorry for what had become of her. So many things had happened in the years that had passed them by and on some level Monica admitted that she did miss her. She missed having a best friend – a female best friend. Sure she had friends, but the three closest were males and though she had bonded with Ross' wife it just wasn't the same. But she would never regain the friendship she had had with Rachel, not because of any animosity between them but just because it would not be possible. Somehow she could not envisage this new Rachel Green gossiping with her about men. However she accepted that Rachel was once again a part of her life, a part that was looking to becoming a pretty permanent feature. So the same as she had redefined her relationship with Chandler she decided she must with Rachel – though she hadn't imagined it would be all in a days work. "Do you remember when you tried out for head cheerleader against Amy Welsh? I loved the look on her face when you beat her." A small smile graced the lips of the woman opposite her. "As horrible as what happened in high school – at the prom was – it wasn't really much compared with the year of friendship. I never understood why you were friends with me. I mean when we were real young I did kinda – it didn't matter. But in high school you could be cruel to people – and yet you never dropped your fat friend, even though you were the most popular girl in school."

"Monica they weren't my friends. The girls wanted to be me, which I doubt they do anymore and the guys wanted to have me. But we were real friends. Even if in the end I treated you like one of my fake friends." Monica sighed.

"I missed you, at first I was just so angry. But then I missed you. But I've always too proud for my own good and I held out too long, so then you stopped calling. And I never got up the nerve to call you. Rachel you should probably know – I spoke to Chandler earlier. We agreed that it would be better if we were just friends."

"Is he ok?" Monica nodded. She half expected for Rachel to go rushing to him, but she stayed exactly where she was. "I'm sorry."

"It's ok, eventually we both realised that we've been better as friends. I'm glad we realised it now, if we hadn't then there would be the chance that I would lose him from my life which I don't want. I do love him – but more as a friend than anything else."

"Still it must be hard, you were both so important to one another for so long." Monica smiled.

"To him you're far more important than I am and you have been for a long time now. Please don't object. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty or anything. I don't mean it in a negative way. I also don't wish to put any obstacles in your relationship with Joey – I'm just stating a fact."

"Chandler and I are friends – that's all. We're close because we're both overcoming something huge. When he gets better things will be different."

"I would put money on him always feeling the way he feels about you right now."


	14. New Beginnings

'Are you happy?' the question played around in her head until she thought she had seen every scenario. Until another popped up and played out right in front of her eyes. She looked across the huge bed at him. He was laid on his side with his back to her, she knew he was reading some magazine – or more accurately looking at the pictures. She wanted to ask him the question, though she was almost one hundred percent sure that she knew what answer she would get. It was a little strange that she would wonder at the question, given her reasoning behind it. She wasn't, or at least she didn't think she was. She hadn't exactly been happy for years, unless you counted the things she experienced via her vivid imagination. But now she did wonder. She thought that she had been happy recently. She was unsure if she still was. It wasn't like before, shallowness had bred happiness in her old life. Before leaving Long Island the notion of unhappiness had not been one which entered her mind. Now the fear of going back into it had her lying in an extremely posh, expensive hotel and debating her future with an intensity which rarely graced her mind in the recent months. The words were on the tip of her tongue and yet she found it difficult to bring herself to say them. It would be an acknowledgment that things weren't right. And that would only lead to bad things. She had only just managed to establish a relationship with Monica, and Chandler was his best friend. She could only be called an outsider at best. And with these thoughts she was possibly alienating herself so that she would long to be an outsider once more. God did she wish it were easier, but it wasn't – life was rarely how you wished it. In high school she'd broken up with people for fun, this however was anything but fun.

* * *

"How was your weekend?" Phoebe's smile almost brought tears to her eyes. She looked around the small table. This was the first time that she'd spent time with Phoebe and Monica together. A short get together over coffee to discuss the weekend. But how could she discuss it.

"The hotel was lovely, Joey must really be important to lay on such a place." She knew neither female would be satisfied with her response – after all a weekend away in L.A. with a man as amazing as Joey in such gorgeous surroundings.

"And?" She'd not admitted to Phoebe and so certainly hadn't told Monica the truth about her relationship with Joey. She couldn't even bring herself to talk to Chandler about it – yet it seemed something different that she didn't understand held her back with him. She stared hard into the giant sized mug of coffee in front of her not wanting to look at the two women sat with her, looking at her with hungry eyes.

"And nothing, no tangled bed sheets, no nothing. In fact we've never…I'm not comfortable with even the notion of…Joey says he understands and that it's not important that we haven't…" Phoebe was surprised that a man could be so understanding, however Monica was almost floored by the admission. She was the only one sat at the table who really knew Joey, and she knew that this wasn't him. Sex was and had always been a big part of his life, in fact almost all of his relationships had been based solely on sex. Not having it after as long as 6 months she found truly astonishing. Maybe he had grown up finally, maybe he just loved her enough to wait. Whatever the answer Monica knew somehow that whenever the end did occur which she was certain it would Joey would be heartbroken.

* * *

"Monica I don't think we should do that, I don't think it's the best idea." Disappointment flowed freely through her veins.

"Oh god I'm so embarrassed – I just thought that there was still something between us but I guess I must have misread the signs. I'm so sorry." She stood and grabbed her pursue turning on her heel, but he grabbed her arm before she could flee the room.

"There is still something between us, when I say it's not a good idea it's not because I don't love you, I never for one single day stopped loving you. But it's not even been a month since you and Chandler split and I think it's too soon. I care far too much about you to become…your rebound guy. I can't take having the scraps of you Monica, when I want it all." She softened towards him the jagged edge of rejection removed from it's stronghold round her heart.

"Richard, I'm saddened that you could think I would ever use you like that. Yes it hasn't been a month since Chandler and I officially ended things but it has been so much longer since we were a couple. Our relationship has been dead for a long time. Physically we were very little more than strangers, emotionally we were strangers. This past year has just been a rollercoaster for both of us, it's just been obstacle after obstacle and it's been a permanent uphill struggle. We both know if it hadn't been for my desire for children we would still be together, and children are so evidently not an issue anymore. Richard the fact that we found each other once was amazing, but the fact we found each other again at the exact moment when I was most ready for what could happen is a miracle. You know how I have struggled these past few months with Chandler, you know things haven't been right. I stopped loving him a long time ago." He reached out and gently eased her body to curve with his.

"Monica, don't break my heart, not again." His chin rested on her head and she wrapped both arms round him.

"Richard I lived through losing you once, there is no way I am going to do that again. I just can't."

* * *

He knew the time was coming, sensed it. He felt the change in her. She was pulling away from him. He'd been so patient with her, more than he ever thought he was capable of. And yet in his heart he had always known that she could never love him as he loved her. He leaned across the table and brushed the stray hair back from her face and beheld the sight. He wished he didn't have to lose her. He was about to do the hardest thing he'd ever done in his life. But he knew it was the right thing to do. Why was life so difficult at times? He'd breezed through it this far relatively unscathed like the people round him seemed to be. They'd all had their trials and tribulations – some more than others. But he had never suffered, not really. And certainly he had never loved – until now. And though it broke his heart he had to do it. He needed to set her free. He knew she'd never do it of her own accord. Knew her well enough to realise that.

"Rachel I need to tell you something. I've been offered the part in L.A. I know your life is here and I don't wish to uproot you. It seems like this is the natural ending to what we had. I don't want to sound horrible, because I do care about you. I have no problem admitting I've never loved anyone before I met you. But the time seems right for us to go our separate ways." He watched her face intently, for a sign to tell him he was wrong. But it never came. He felt as though someone was driving a stake through his heart, yet he smiled softly at her to let her know he felt no ill-will. Which he didn't. He still loved her too much for anything like that. When the offer had come for him to relocate temporarily to L.A. he had wondered whether it was the right thing to do, not just for him and his career but for Chandler. Though there had been so many improvements in him of late there was still a long way for his friend to go. But for himself he needed the time away, he knew that once removed from the picture the bond between Rachel and Chandler would only grow. While he knew it would happen and was even willing to let it, he certainly wasn't ready to watch it. That in itself made his decision of whether to stay of go simple. It would be far too torturous to his soul to watch them realise they loved one another.

"Joey, I never knew you felt like that. I thought you were happy." He panicked then, he didn't want her to go backwards in her development, he was happy, he loved her. She made him happy.

"I am Rach. Like I said I do love you, I mean that. I've never felt this way about anyone. But we want different things, we're headed in opposite directions and it wouldn't be fair to either of us to compromise or to give up on our hopes completely. We need to follow our own paths wherever they lead – that doesn't mean I'm not here for you whenever you need me. I am. I always will be, for you and for Chandler, but I need to do this for me. You've both come so far and I know that you'll manage without me – both of you. You have each other. But we can call Rach, and visit. This doesn't mean we won't ever see each other again. It's just a year and then I'll be home." She was silent for a while and he began to regret taking her to dinner while breaking the news. He so desperately wanted to be somewhere else now. He was tired of being strong and selfless and he wondered when he had become this person. The old Joey would never have given so freely – then again the old Joey would never have fallen in love, would never have been as patient as he had been with Rachel. He was a different person now though.

"I want you to have all the things you want Joey, you deserve them. And you're right Chandler and I will be fine. We've come this far. I mean Chandler has Monica and Ross, I have Phoebe. We have each other and you're still gonna be our friend, it's not like you're disappearing from our lives." Our lives. The way she said it, as though they were already a couple. He wasn't naïve enough to think that it would be long before they were. He just wouldn't be here to see it.

"That's right Rach. I'll always be your friend." She reached across the table and placed her hand on his. He saw the tears glistening in her eyes.

"I'll be yours, you're a wonderful person Joey, I'm so glad to have in my life. I trust you so completely." He knew in his heart that was all she could give him, but from her it was the most amazing thing she could ever give.

* * *

The door closed behind him and left Rachel and Chandler alone in the apartment. Even though he had departed only seconds ago it seemed so lifeless with him gone. Neither seemed to know quite where to put themselves.

"I'm sorry Rachel." She looked over to him and smiled.

"It's for the best. I'll miss him but…it was always going to end." It was the first time she'd actually put the thought into words and she instantly felt relieved. It was the truth. The relationship between them simply wasn't built to last. Chandler couldn't quite deny the lift of his heart to know that she was sad because she was going to miss Joey the friend, not Joey the boyfriend. He too would miss Joey and yet acknowledged a hope that perhaps free of his shadow Rachel would maybe see him. Without her he would not have come this far. And he wanted to explore the depth of his feelings for her. He wondered at how that would ever happen though as he could never handle telling her how he felt and face the rejection that he felt almost sure would follow.

"Chandler we've known each other for almost two and a half years now and we've been through so much. I feel like now though we're getting there. Wherever there is. I guess there is normal. We both have jobs and seem to be functioning in the same world everyone else does. We've both dated and had relationships. And I think now I'm ready to take the next step…which I think is…is maybe…a date." He looked up into her eyes and she stared right back into his.

"As torturous as the last few years have been Rach it got me here. Here with you and I don't ever want to be anywhere without you."

"Then you don't have to be." She stepped tentatively towards him and he did the same. In slow moments their faces grew closer until they were but an inch apart. Both seemed unsure and unsteady about going further until Chandler could hold himself back no longer. He kissed her, it was everything he thought it would be. And he never wanted to stop.


End file.
